Month: May 2012

The dices in the hands well rolled,
And the mind of the dancing queen well hidden,
Game without rules or new rules well played,
Broken promises and shattered dreams as corpses lay,
In the middle of unknown roads none ever ventured.
None ever again even in their worst misfortune should venture,
For it a day of penance in fasting I may remain all in prayer.

The search begins.

Till it ends.
Good Bye.

Testing Sajumon Ashan

Without the model girl.. This is what I can write.. Read.

Crisp, Crisp, Crisp,
Turkey bacon tasted nice,
Warmth of black tea felt,
From throat all the way down,
Toasted bread, peanut butter and peach spread,
Whew, woo while eating I said,
My lips said it, right ear heard it, left ear heard it,
Fat machine in belly converted,
All that to fat and around waist wrapped,
Heart beat a beat more for the body,
Knowing no heart can care for mine out there exists.

It sucks isn’t it?

There will not be a new poem on any of my sites because of the following reasons..

How do you decide who is a friend or not?  A person who is like minded and shares your tastes and find you as an important factor in their life. That’s a friend at least in my definition. I am writing this after a good thought. Let me take you all to an event that happened couple of years back.

  One day I was doing a Poetry Live Show on BlogTV and one of the leading show hosts visited my show. He thought I am a Mexican but after he heard me he understood I am not Mexican but he made a serious mistake he said something racial and bad about my mother in Spanish in the chat. I don’t know Spanish so I continued talking to him but he was not friendly at all to me. By this time another friend came in to the chat room and he saw what the other guy wrote there. The leading show host got booted out. It lead to a lot of verbal fights between me, him and his fans on BlogTV. Some days later I was in the chat of one my close friend’s talk show on BlogTV and the leading host who said abuses at me and my mother came to the show. And we ended up having another verbal fight in that chat room. My friend told me.. “Look here Riaz.. you both are my friends and I am not going to support either one of you” I said “Fair enough”  The so called leading host lost all the lead and dropped out of BlogTV  I do shows occasionally and my friend is still a friend and is like a brother for me. The lesson, you may love your friends and those friends may end up in ideological battles. It is up to you to protect both these friends as friends, if you are a true friend. 

   Now why I said this, because recently it did not happen from someone whom I called a friend and who once called me a friend. In fact she said “They do not know you. I do not know you. You do not know me, and therefore do not know them.” Initially I did not gave any gravity to all that she said. I slowly went through that post sentence by sentence as to what exactly she was looking from me. All I understand is she is someone who is not going to give any importance to me or what I do. This is what she said “I’m tired of this silence, and I’m tired of randomly checking up on your posts and finding you bothered by something so trivial.” Trivial? Oh’ C’mon I am not trivial at least for me. At least I should show some importance to what I do and myself isn’t it? But you know what I did. I said nothing. I accepted all that she said, I apologized for any and all of my wrong doings, sayings, writings, etc. Unconditionally.

   Some parts of her long post are not clear to me in fact it is very contradictory.  One way she says things will not be pleasant between us On another she says she felt stupid in not talking to me. In fact we never talked in the first place. So I asked what exactly she mean by all these new things. The response was fantastic .. Zyphyr.. which means.. nada.. nothing about what I asked. The things she said was.. “so I apologize if it seems like I’m not answering. I just plain don’t use the site.” Really then what exactly she mean by talking? I asked again and again.. no response at all. So I gave one more last chance to respond. Nothing, and then came the block. I blocked her from all the sites.  

  She told she reads all that I write.. so using some username or other means she reads all this. If you read this understand, I give utmost importance to you and all you do, because as for me, like I always say., “Once a friend always a friend”. I did not ask you for any other favors other than online communication. And the last time you breached the gap you intentionally put in and came to me. I responded adequately. If you cannot respond to me then what exactly you want?  Honestly I don’t care about any one of your friends. Even when this conflict started I said that. I don’t expect any one of your friends to care about me either. Just because I say I don’t care about them doesn’t mean that I hate them. No I don’t hate them. But please stop lying to your own conscience that you don’t’ know me and I don’t know you. We know each other enough to call each other friends. Now the recent block I put in is temporary as it was done to give you a message how horrible this gap can be. It is not a warning, it is not a threat… but at this point of time from what all happened in recent times, I believe that you were a good friend and you are a good friend and you will be a good friend. Friends at times will have issues and at times will be at odds with each other. That won’t burn the bridges between them and create crevasses one cannot pass. One suggestion I can give is, take a broader perspective of all that happened. Look at the reasons I said for all my actions. I never excused myself with anything. I clearly told my intentions and I was truthful most of the time. Even when I said something not true at times, I always came back and cleared it. So the keys are.. openness, clarity and honesty. You may survive without all that with your present circle of friends but just look back in the last seven years we know each other. How many of the friends from 2005 still talks to you? You don’t need to give me an answer. Just understand a true friend may push you to the edge but will never let you fall.  
    I think you right now understand very clearly why I said many times that you are the reason why I am shutting down the sites or not going to write. If that is not clear, please go through the reasons again and again then you will know it very well.

So at this point… I have to suspend writing as she knows very well how I operate.. What I can say in the shortest possible way is.. Either we should resolve this or I have to find another girl.

That’s it.

Lone.

Here is the video of the “Ditch The Anger ” Show on BlogTV. It is about this post I am talking about mostly in this video.

 

Ditch The Anger– Broadcast your self LIVE

If some people think they can play me. You are wrong. Way wrong. Believe me, I have seen the world more than you can possibly imagine. See I gave someone a week. That was the decision I made last tuesday for that certain person to get her act together. She just miserably failed… Now what happened. She got booted out of all my sites again. There is no anger here… so no worries.

OMG there are people who want to make me angry. They give the best shot at it by making me wait. You know what I am way past that phase of my life. Read the following.

My Smile.

By the lake on a cold morning I sat,
Then at the sight of the tip of sun,
Into the cold water my legs I dipped,
Hydrophobia through every vein spread,
Then at the rising sun and the golden light I looked,
Step by step into the lake I walked,
And the whole of me cold of nature’s hands felt,
Then in every vein every bit of my anger, jealousy and pride I filled,
Slowly they became cold and cold and cold.
From the lake I came back and through the cold breeze walked,
Every step taught me to believe,
There is nothing I own and I am nothing better than anything.
Then immune to all that hurts I felt.
And the best of my smiles I smiled.
A God given smile none from my face can ever erase.