My Explanation

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Mo Cuishle,

You are partially right here and above everything else I feel I have a lot of respect for you for that understanding of the face that the love I felt was for a fictional character with your face upon her. Before I go any further I should explain a bit of that process through which I’ve gone through. My idea was to just take the character out of the book “Tess Of The D’Urbervilles” this is where I needed a face to that character. Because there was little or no description for the young “Tess”, I needed more and there I took you. Even before I put your face upon that very well respected character, I’ve had a lot of respect for you for the “I give you all of my luck” comment. Once I extracted that character it is her qualities that I wanted to depict and rest of the events in the novel I wanted to image in. The idea was wonderful but then everything went haywire as you from top of that character kinda started to fill in every aspect of my life. I think when I chatted with you on MSN I’ve told you I’ve had a similar situation where I know writing is what got me into this and it is writing that will get me out of this. By that time I decided not to write “Tess Of The D’Urbervilles” poem in the way I planned. I took the text and gone with events as is in the book to get to the character. This was in another way an attempt to get you out of the mind and to get the emotional side on the right track. Then I started the poetry marathon which led me to make all the hypothetical scenarios. Where I know at one or the other point you will figure the whole thing out. It worked. The whole attempt to get to Jennifer also helped. Then came another set of problems… Jennifer is flesh and blood is one self centered person I am dealing with. Things started to rewind and I blocked you out of my site. By that time I know I am in the process of going back to square one in this. Because you are way out of that character, you are you. I know I should not feel it. I did all I can to get rid the feeling. The Milwaukee trip, the wild rides, strippers and hookers you name it. All where attempts to divert the attention to something else. You may ask why… because I know one fact… there is no Tess behind you. It is Sam. That’s way too inappropriate. You are 16 and I am 37.

Now you told me something wrong… from what you said “If you loved “me”, things would be very different. You couldn’t love me, you’ve never met me. You love my face…” well I don’t agree with that at all. Love is spiritual, what you are talking about is the material part of it. If I loved only your face or looks then it is a mere sexual attraction than anything else. I am not that kinda person. For real love, one don’t need meet or even talk for souls see no boundaries. I know one thing… what I felt is real… it is just not the looks I liked, it is the person, the one who write things I understand and through which I learned a lot about the person I have never seen. And one who really understands my writing which is nothing but an extension of my emotions. That’s what I liked and said I love. Well… there are people who just see things in the other way and like things in the other way around. I am not that. I never met you, you are right. I don’t want to meet you. Even if I ever see you somewhere I may run, because it is just not right.

Sam it is easier to keep this talk going on and on and on. This time around I left and kept away. In all honesty I did not asked for your kindness which you offered. You came and told that to me. You wanted to know. I think I told ya… the truth is way to ugly and dirty. That’s why I am in a very dirty path. Will I ever recuperate from this mmm why the hell should I? As now I know the best feelings of love I ever felt was to someone only old enough to be my daughter. It just don’t worth to be myself anymore.

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