Why is my life so unfortunate? Why all the bizarre twists and turns
come to me? I am really pissed as today went wild and eventually forced
me to postpone my trip from tomorrow to Sunday. What happened? GRRR I
don’t think I can even think about it anymore.

A poem I wrote couple of days back. I hope you all will enjoy it and will have the best of the weekends.

Waiting For The Last Summer Rain.

Among the crowd he wandered,
With thoughts that wondered,
About life that seems normal,
Alien for him from the path fate paved.

A summer storm loomed above and all around,
The singing birds silenced by a rumble,
The fear in the eyes of those birds said,
More about what is to come than the past.

He walked away from the streets,
And in a deserted corner stood,
Unknowing what felt inside was real,
Or another fancy thought that may drag,
Him down way below the land he stood.

He knew no ways around this town,
None of the faces any way familiar,
He never meant to go anywhere he realized,
He never spoke to himself either.

Inside, he felt lost for all he felt for that girl,
As deep into the halls of mind silence penetrated,
Leaving mind astray with no hope of recovery,
Burying deep his love still listening to her silence.

The norm of the world stopped,
More dreams from sprouting,
As inside he felt what felt was wrong,
And must be washed away in the last rain,
Of a turbulent summer he wished never existed.

Love still remained untold and unfelt,
Leaving another wound inside that will never heal,
He wiped away the tears he felt in his eyes,
And then without a thought I crossed the street,
To offer some words to console his broken heart,
The closer I reached the blurry became my eyesight,
But nothing wrong was there with my vision,
It was him, who was fading and shrinking,
And in my awe of surprise I stood still,
How long I don’t know I stood there in awe,
But felt ashamed and sad,
When the flower seller passing by said,
In her perplexed and humorous tone,
“Why are you staring at your own shadow sir?”

It is official now. I am leaving Virginia on Saturday morning for
Overland Park, Kansas. There I will join my brother and his family for
at least another month. The only thing that can stop me from going to
Kansas is an assignment I am looking for in Madison, Wisconsin or Los
Angles, California. Said that, I hope something to work in the next
couple of days. Anyway tomorrow it is a packing day. Friday it is a
resting day before the drive.

 Because of the confusion
with the assignments and my differences with my company plus something
very personal swaying me big time. I wasn’t able to touch the Tess poem
much in the last 10 days. Probably I will take it once I am in Kansas.

 Yesterday
I updated LonelyPoet.Org. Today it is time for this site. I did not say
what prompted me to write the last two poems and the one I posted in
LonelyPoet.Org yesterday. I am also not going to say why I wrote this
one today. Said that, if one gets time read them all. Even then I think
there will be only one person who can truly understand what I mean.

Frozen Images.

Hey you, the one who burns inside,
My aging body as a prisoner of past,
Pulling in more and more of life,
Trying to tame the wilderness of present,
How long do ye think we will be in oblivion?

There is an enchantress out there somewhere,
Who consumes you now and will forever,
Who throws images in the imaginations,
Flying you to the highest cloud,
Leaving you to float away looking,
Back at the material part of you falling,
Failing against the will of dreams once more.

There is a world out there that knows nothing,
There are the building blocks of life that lie shattered,
There is more to everything that your senses merge,
Deep in a heart that pumps the feeling
To every corner of me energizing,
Me to take a step closer to that enchantress,
But I stop now, look and understand,
I have to turn away from every bit of life I’ve known,
As all the images she thrown are unmoving still ones,
And frozen in the long tiring prison of my past.

(Copy Of Update In LonelyPoet.Org )
That little bird outside in the night,
Not sure about the flashes of car light,
No directions in the darkness known,
Waiting for the first light of the day,
Filled with a song in nearby souls, sleepless,
After the day’s hardships and hunger,
In cold and frozen inside with some lost passions.

Though the bird’s song never said any words,
It left in every soul that heard a meaning,
That in union could only weep,
As hope suddenly found lingering,
Inside every heart that deemed frozen.

There is pain in every heart that love,
There is passion in the love of every creation,
No heart will break apart,
If it is love one loved,
And not the pleasure of some moments passion.

The wonders of vibgyor will never fade away,
As truth of love is no illusion.
The more one learn and understand,
And love that understanding of the other,
When these understandings goes in sync,
The colors of love will fill every corner of the heart.

The vibgyor came at its mighty speed,
So flown away the migrating bird,
So went away those enlightened souls,
Some wandered in the passion felt,
Some banged their head in further illusions,
I came to my sites and searched around,
And found two little eyes that said to me,
“You are mine”.

09/27/05. I don’t have a lot to say. Only felt like updating LonelyPoet.Org. Sorry I am not in the best of the moods. I may have something fresh later. If so I will update later.

ps. I changed the background song, listen to the lyrics of this song. I liked it.

‘Enough is enough’ said I, to my dreams,
Those words deep in my ears, in head, echoing,
All is wrong or had gone wrong,
Or I tried the wrong first leaving,
No time or opportunity to do the right

O glad I am in one way,
I know myself more than I imagined.
Will I ever fit into the matrix out there?
I am afraid I will not.

The strong want to believe,
It is all over in the words I read,
And here I lay wounded,
But not bleeding a drop.
Will I ever be able to stand up?
Like those old times when I fell,
I am just not only too old for you,
I am too old for my own conscience too.

haha many said, I am not a loser. Now it’s looks like anything or
anyone I support also will end up being losers. Poor Packers lost again
today. I had this hope of them getting their act together. And I
thought they are going to pull this one off. Too late, it was too
late. It is too sad to see Favre walking away with his head down. I
hope they get their act together and get some wins and end this season
decently. Any Packers fans in my list, pray for them. They need a lot
of prayers.

Copy of my update in LonelyPoet.Org

Today is one of the two days about 14 days
prior to the month of Ramadhan we fast. So as usual I did not slept at
all last night I was up after 5:30AM and then went to sleep. I ate some
food at about 3:00AM. So the hunger part is kinda getting on to me now.
But I am not tired at all.

I slept till about 12:15PM and
afterwards in thoughts, about many things, but nothing special at all.
I am still not done with Tess Of The D’Urbervilles Poem I am writing.
It is still looking at me. I don’t think the promised date of October
1st is going to be met as of now. Well I will try anyway. After all
what is the harm if it is not done. Tess’s ghost is not going to haunt
me for that biggrin.gif

This is for her whose love is unattainable.

Anger, frustration, sadness and annoyance,
These were all I was able to deliver,
To your days and nights,
Unknown to me the meaning of your words.

My meaning is unknown and I never searched,
But it was love I intended to give and gain,
And make our life a meaningful passage,
Time will endure everlastingly.

(End- Copy Of Update)

I am just finished watching this movie. I bought both movies based on
Thomas Hardy’s novel. To be frank with you, I did not liked the ending
of both the movies. But I would advice anyone interested in the story
to see the 1980 Roman Polanski’s adaptation of the book. Though not
perfect, Nastassja Kinski’s performance is amazing. Polanski with the
limitation of time and space did a remarkable job. Though some part I
wished to see was not even mentioned it still creates an effect. I’ve
seen the Polanski version a while back in 1998 it was a bad cassette
and had a whole lot of problems in watching the movie.

 The A&E edition of the BBC production gives a little more
detail but still sucked with the ending. Justine Waddell is no Tess.
She looked too old for the role still the Anna Karina girl did her best
especially towards the end of the movie. But screwed up the last words
“I am Ready”. I laughed out loud when I saw her saying that because it
was that bad.

As it was a fasting day and now finished my fast, I need to prepare for
tomorrow. Like I said in my post earlier I may not be able to finish
the poem by that deadline. It is a deadline because Octorber 3rd
Ramadhan starts and all my other activities comes to a halt for a month
usually. Poetry is the language of the heart, I pray to God not to be
angry with me for giving poems away for free to some of the wonderful
people ever lived. So don’t worry.

 As for that small poem it is an eight liner I wrote today it is
meant for someone special. I hope she sees it and understands it.

I AM A LOSER, NUMBER 1 LOSER.
Finding
out that there is no way I can achieve my love is hard and painful. I
am living it every micro second of the day. But accepting my faults
and  getting up from the fall and regretting the curses I said
about my own life were all fun. At the end of this work week though
ironical, I am laughing. Lot of events this week kept me away from what
I love to do most my poetry. But the harm done is small. I am getting
back to Tess. I hope I will be able to relax a bit more this weekend
than in the week.

This is an old poem I wrote in 1999. Those of you have visited LonelyPoet.Com   might’ve read this poem. Here is the situation I wrote on top of the poem when it was first released in  LonelyPoet.Com

 
“This is the longest poem I have ever written. It took only three days
to complete, but what is in the poem is all real. For a long time now I
was going through a sort of a bad patch, and I never thought about
writing anything about it. I wrote the starting of the poem sitting at
work at that time my close friend Ian Schulman called me on the phone
and we were talking about all the things that happened in the last
eight months and he asked me to write about it. That gave me this idea
which starts in the present goes into a dream and ends somewhere in
between. I dedicate this poem to the tall lean sweet-heart of mine.”

At
that time it was dedicated to “Her” I’ve moved on but history repeated
though not in the same way or situation. I failed my own conscience
once more and went after a wild dream. I should’ve never done that
considering my age. I acted worse than a mad man and I am sorry for it,
though sad and feel the pain of lost love in the same way I felt around
six years ago. On a similar day I wrote the above said paragraph and
started writing the following poem. Now I modified a line in the poem
so it is kinda a fresh version.

The Flame.

Oh’ I wonder about these days,
Cold and frozen in all ways.
Looking up at the sky I see,
The sun that lost all his glory,
And at night a pale old moon,
Playing hide and seek behind the clouds,
All set for the rebirth of a good old dream.  

From my younger years I built,
An empire so fragile,
Which some call as the journey,
Some define as a drama,
Where everyone an actor.
Days, weeks, years and decades I passed,
Which I proudly call as my life.
All the time in my soul a flame I carried,
Which more than my life I cared,
In the wild paths of life,
Which redefined passion and care ,
In the enlightment of dreams,
When blinded by passions,
The flame carried me along,
Giving warmth and comfort,
In the frozen loveless days.
With the flame all my life I carried,
I kindled a candle that never melts,
The candle kept me warm,
After fate turned its bad side on me,
Fate became a cold-blooded monster,
Pierced its claws deep.
Thrown out from the track,
Penniless, jobless and broken-hearted,
Knowing no pain, no feeling all frozen I lie,
But shivered when heard the blame on her,
Blames that became storm of curses,
And me left with the choice of her or the flame,
Ran to her with no more thoughts,
And cloaked her with my wings of love,
When the storm of curses spread the fury of fate,
Blinded by the snow and high speed winds,
I felt the warmth of the flame,
Looked up and down and all around,
I still felt the warmth of the flame,
In the end in the cloak I looked,
And saw her holding the candle I lit.  
The dream passed by like a monster cloud,
With ear piercing thunders, that echoed so loud,
Into my ears the echoes whispered;
“The life of a dream remains,
In the soul of the dreamer,
The fulfillment of a dream,
Is in the light the dream leaves,
In the heart of the dreamer”.  

In these dark days of mine,
When everything around seems,
Frozen by the fury of fate,
With the light of that flame,
That shows me my dreams,
I see my ways to her,
And the warmth of that flame,
Saves me from becoming,
Yet another frozen soul.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com in the winter of 1999.
Creative CommonsLicense

I really don’t want to add another post here so I am editing the post I made yesterday.
I
have severe pain on my twisted neck and shoulder. I was supposed to
post an introduction portion of my Tess poem here. Now when I look at
it I think I will wait when it is all over and this pain goes away.
I
am changing the background song once more. It is called ‘Original Sin’
a song from the album “Songs From The West Coast” by Elton John. Listen
to the lyrics of this song it is wonderful. I love the video of this,
in which Mandy Moore is featured with Elizabeth Taylor and Elton John
himself as the old guy. There  they show the back of a young Elton
John but in another video from the same album we can figure out whose
back it was, Justine Timberlake.  I am just watching the music
video collection of mine. I am sorry if the post above is depressing,
that is the way love and life works, I will survive this.  Here is
a short poem I wrote in my update at LonelyPoet.Org

Do you understand what I say?
Do you understand my handicap?
My hands and tongue are tied,
Untie them with your words,
You write upon this heart in pain,
And filled with your face and thoughts.

A head start for all of you about my latest work.

I love writing in the night. In these days of no work at office I haveplenty of time to sleep during the day. Now I thought I will justupdate you all about my work here in xanga, which is poetry. My poemhave grown beyond my own imagination. Before going into it. Here is thecharacter. It is Tess from the classic novel “Tess Of TheD’Urbervilles” By Thomas Hardy I am writing about.

 My approach is to make the same sequence of events in theoriginal novel. It was not that hard to find the book online as it wasreleased by Project Gutenberg. I further confirmed that I can make aderivative work out of this text. As I am following Hardy’s vastdescriptive narrative the poem had already out grown my ownimagination it stands at 829 lines as of now and I am nearly done withthe 5th section “The Woman Pays” I will keep you all posted as to thedevelopment of the poem in the coming days. My plan initially was towrite one long poem each for the each of the seven sections followingthe original text. But the fifth section itself will come to more than500 lines so I am breaking it into two different poems. The plightwhich was vastly explained is itself  will be written into onelong poem. In my rough estimate the first drafts will be around 1600lines and the final draft will not be that long.

  This work I am doing is in no way a replacement for the originalwork. I am using a lot of phrases and some dialogues from the originaltext itself as they are indeed poetic ones. Keep in mind Thomas Hardyhimself was one of the best poets I’ve read. So no matter how much I tryI could only imitate him. Not better him.

Now I have already written a long post here. I wonder how many will bereading this post itself and I wonder how many will be reading thoselong poems. Like I said in a reply to another post. “what Iam supposed to do or rather liked to do is going to be done. Rest isthe choice of the people”.  The best part of it all is simply theenjoyment of the whole process. Yesterday, one of my friend called meinsane poet than LonelyPoet. haha I am enjoying this insanity or justintoxicated in the inspiration of poetry. Whatever you may call it, itis far better than the normality defined by many fat ass people. As I don’t drink or do drugs my friend was surprised when she read aportion of the poem I wrote which I sent to her in IM then she told me “Hey, thisis beautiful insanity..”  haha

Here is the Project Gutenberg text I am following.. Tess Of The D’Urbervilles-A Pure Woman

Hi All,
  It’s been a while since I said anything here. Well there isn’t alot going on. I am just waiting for the next assignment and usuallybetween projects I get really busy, talking to various companies,taking interviews, doing paper works etc..
  As for writing, mmm there is a lot going on in that side. I decidedto make a post here as a head start. I told couple of people who visitshere who are on my IM about this. I am writing about a character whoimpressed me a lot when I was in the teens. Many of you may havestudied the novel from which I am extracting this character. This is along one, longer than anything I’ve written so far. What inspired me towrite now after all these years is the plight I am going throughlooking for work. The very many places I’ve gone to and the hundreds ofpeople I met, most of them I still get in touch with. This characteralso goes into a plight of her own looking for work. With hope onhopes, dream about dreams in the ‘Pure’ heart of her heart. So far fromthe seven sections in the novel I have written first drafts of fivelarge poems and totally my poem already streached about 600 lines. Iwill post the poems here in seven parts on seven different days. But Icannot say when will it happen. My aim is to post in the first sevendays of October.
 Now who ever reads this post please take this as a Trivia andguess who is that female fictional character that touched me so deep? Irecently written in my update in LonelyPoet.Org this line ” Looks like the best feelings I’ve ever felt for anywoman is a fictional character”  Other than what I have alreadywritten to get an idea about the character look in my site in variousposts. And to those couple of people I’ve told  who thischaracter is, please hold your words.

Good Luck with the guess.

I just changed the background song. This is the all time favorite songof mine. It changed a lot of my attitudes when I first heard it in 1990.