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Have you all seen the movie Inception? It is a fascinating movie to watch. For many people who have seen the movie for many reasons like just seeing Leonardo Di Caprio, felt totally lost after seeing the movie.  I did not watch the movie in theaters. But I watched the movie on HBO some months back and the first time I saw it, in about 15 minutes of the movie I really laughed and said.. “Isn’t it exactly what I am doing to myself in the last seven years?” Yeah.. if you haven’t seen the movie and is a fan of my poetry then watch the movie, my poetry will make more sense to you.

   Now I will tell you this..  In this movie a dream is constructed by an architect and the dream is seen by another person. They go into the subconscious mind of people and they go to a deeper level which means, a dream within a dream and they go for three levels. I hope you all are not lost here at this point. It means… that someone goes to a subconscious level and generates an idea at that level. There is something called Totem in the movie. This is an object used by the dreamers to check whether they are in a dream or in reality. The girl Ellen Page is the architect in the movie. She is one heck of an actress. She maybe small but wow every time I saw this movie she made me say “wow”. As for Leonardo Di Caprio who is the dreamer he got an issue of his dead wife comes as a projection in his dreams. That is a major catastrophe for him in the movie. I hope by this time you all understood why I wrote this whole post. If not, watch the movie Inception again.

All of you have a great weekend. By the way.. for people who peek into my blog should know that I know exactly who comes there and when you come there, and I hope I told one specific person a while back, how much I love when you step into my blog in the middle of the night that triggers a set of notification to go off and wake me up? Then I take a totem, just to feel, if I am in a dream or in real.

This is pretty bad….

I looked at my journal notes… All looks the same like the weekend and week blog I posted last Sunday. So I am not going to repeat anything.

The book is closed and the pen cleaned and dried out. Still….

I am going to tell something that happened a long time back.

Once when I was staying in a hotel in New York, I met this wonderful lady called Jennifer. She was pretty and really wonderful to talk to. I had a romantic interest with her. That ended this way…
One evening me and couple of others who were staying at the hotel were sitting and eating dinner.. .Jennifer joined us and we had dinner and then we went outside to smoke. After that I was saying bye to every one and my friend Tom hugged me, his wife Patricia hugged and kissed me and I turned to Jennifer who said “I don’t’ want to hug or kiss” I said sorry for giving her that thought and went into my room. I never felt bad about it because people have different comfort zones. For instance, I am not really comfortable in any creature touching me, like cats or dogs or birds or anything like that. Later in the night I went out again for a smoke and some new guests were moving in. They came in with their pet Labrador and what I saw was Jennifer hugging and kissing the dog. I didn’t say anything; I just went outside and lighted up a cigarette. Seeing me standing outside and smoking, Jennifer came out and asked, “Hey can I borrow the lighter?” I said “Light it up from the spark you get from the fuck of the dog.”

  I am not angry that much or that way anymore. Still….

 

Hello. hello,

    I am so sorry that I did not post a weekdays blog on Friday. Now I have to admit another fact. Couple of months back I decided to leave all anger, jealousy and pride. I came to a peaceful existence till about couple of weeks back. Then an atom bomb fell on my emotions. I got to be honest with all of you. I tried to play along a good nice game but what it did was just rewind me back to anger and other bullshit that goes along with it. Anyway it did one thing, ended a dreamy life. It was not easy but that reality should happen one or the other way and it did happen. The bizarre fact is.. I don’t feel free.

   Well that leaves a trillion dollar question, what is next. I have to take you all back about 23 years back when I first wrote something in English. It was the translation of a Malayalam song into English to impress a girl. That opened me to writing things of my own. Even long before that a boy who called around his friends and told stories and talked to himself a lot more than he talked to anyone was looking for a transformation and the evolution happened.

   If you the reader is bored by now.. stop reading and find something else on the web. If you are interested continue reading this.

   That evolution I talked about brought a predominantly leftist minded man across to the middle of capitalist monopoly. You know what I enjoyed every bit of the change and wonderful process of life that goes on in America. However I lost one thing, the ability to talk to myself. To compensate that I talked to others a lot and then took tit bits out of those, then talk it through and write poetry. It gave a unique style of writing and helped me to break every rule I learned about writing poetry. In 1998 I met a girl who helped me a bit to write. Then she was lost to I don’t know what…as I fell in love with another woman and that was a disaster from which it took couple of years for me to get out. Then came a long break of nearly four years of writing nothing much worthwhile. Then I met a young girl who came as a blessing to the poet. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. I have to confess, for the last seven years she ruled the dreams of a poet. And the poet wrote well, very well. Well most of the seven years went by really fast for the poet. But the reality of things is there is man who got lost in the whole process. In fact the man woke up on Friday for a long sleep. The poet was muted and the man spoke to himself after couple of decades. That’s the good news. The bad news.. there is no major bad news. A badly shaped man with couple of nasty, but not serious diseases is what the poet left. Then I read some of my own works and said “It was all worth the effort”.

   I cannot say anything in a nutshell anymore. I have already over spoken. To answer what is next is not easy and I wish things were different. Way different that the little boy never forgot to speak to himself. That some painful reality made him speak to himself again. The truth is all these years I’ve been waiting. The one thing I hate most. The one thing that hurt me most and that one thing is what was thrust upon me in the last two weeks. Whoever came up with that idea won and the man is no longer healthy to carry a dreaming poet.

   I know one day this has to happen and I thought there is another dream I can weave. I am so sorry I spoke to myself a little too late. I cannot ask another person to bear the burden of carrying an emotional catastrophe. I am not ending anything, I am not starting anything. If there is fire that fire need to be blown up and I no longer have the strength, courage or confidence to do that.

    The above said is the reason why I did not wrote a weekly blog and in this weekend blog which I am posting about 12 hours earlier I am saying all that I said. It may all sound crazy and simple to many but understand the angry blogger, the romantic poet and the man who chose escapes than confrontations all are the products of that craziness. I said this before too and I came back. I will come back if I am well emotionally and physically. You will see me on my shows and the show will continue. But what new poems I will write I may have to figure out. Who will I use as a model? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I ever will use a model again.

  And to her, you are one of the best personalities I’ve ever met. If I were younger and better I would have fought a war of the worlds to gain your love. But other than one time I felt a good feeling to you. I always cared not to run my emotions astray in a direction that I felt real true love for you. Other than that one occasion all the time I only had the purest intentions of online communication that helped me to write. I sincerely apologize if I ever hurt you emotionally. I wish you well and from the bottom of my heart I thank you for the last effort to reach to me. But I think you are too late I cannot control myself to be patient and I yearned constant communication which is not possible for you.  So lets end this whole “mess” here.
  I will continue my blogtv shows until I figure out an alternative for everything. Right now I feel as if the whole world is falling apart around me. Literally.. it is fucking thundering outside.

 

The dices in the hands well rolled,
And the mind of the dancing queen well hidden,
Game without rules or new rules well played,
Broken promises and shattered dreams as corpses lay,
In the middle of unknown roads none ever ventured.
None ever again even in their worst misfortune should venture,
For it a day of penance in fasting I may remain all in prayer.

The search begins.

Till it ends.
Good Bye.

Testing Sajumon Ashan

Without the model girl.. This is what I can write.. Read.

Crisp, Crisp, Crisp,
Turkey bacon tasted nice,
Warmth of black tea felt,
From throat all the way down,
Toasted bread, peanut butter and peach spread,
Whew, woo while eating I said,
My lips said it, right ear heard it, left ear heard it,
Fat machine in belly converted,
All that to fat and around waist wrapped,
Heart beat a beat more for the body,
Knowing no heart can care for mine out there exists.

It sucks isn’t it?

There will not be a new poem on any of my sites because of the following reasons..

How do you decide who is a friend or not?  A person who is like minded and shares your tastes and find you as an important factor in their life. That’s a friend at least in my definition. I am writing this after a good thought. Let me take you all to an event that happened couple of years back.

  One day I was doing a Poetry Live Show on BlogTV and one of the leading show hosts visited my show. He thought I am a Mexican but after he heard me he understood I am not Mexican but he made a serious mistake he said something racial and bad about my mother in Spanish in the chat. I don’t know Spanish so I continued talking to him but he was not friendly at all to me. By this time another friend came in to the chat room and he saw what the other guy wrote there. The leading show host got booted out. It lead to a lot of verbal fights between me, him and his fans on BlogTV. Some days later I was in the chat of one my close friend’s talk show on BlogTV and the leading host who said abuses at me and my mother came to the show. And we ended up having another verbal fight in that chat room. My friend told me.. “Look here Riaz.. you both are my friends and I am not going to support either one of you” I said “Fair enough”  The so called leading host lost all the lead and dropped out of BlogTV  I do shows occasionally and my friend is still a friend and is like a brother for me. The lesson, you may love your friends and those friends may end up in ideological battles. It is up to you to protect both these friends as friends, if you are a true friend. 

   Now why I said this, because recently it did not happen from someone whom I called a friend and who once called me a friend. In fact she said “They do not know you. I do not know you. You do not know me, and therefore do not know them.” Initially I did not gave any gravity to all that she said. I slowly went through that post sentence by sentence as to what exactly she was looking from me. All I understand is she is someone who is not going to give any importance to me or what I do. This is what she said “I’m tired of this silence, and I’m tired of randomly checking up on your posts and finding you bothered by something so trivial.” Trivial? Oh’ C’mon I am not trivial at least for me. At least I should show some importance to what I do and myself isn’t it? But you know what I did. I said nothing. I accepted all that she said, I apologized for any and all of my wrong doings, sayings, writings, etc. Unconditionally.

   Some parts of her long post are not clear to me in fact it is very contradictory.  One way she says things will not be pleasant between us On another she says she felt stupid in not talking to me. In fact we never talked in the first place. So I asked what exactly she mean by all these new things. The response was fantastic .. Zyphyr.. which means.. nada.. nothing about what I asked. The things she said was.. “so I apologize if it seems like I’m not answering. I just plain don’t use the site.” Really then what exactly she mean by talking? I asked again and again.. no response at all. So I gave one more last chance to respond. Nothing, and then came the block. I blocked her from all the sites.  

  She told she reads all that I write.. so using some username or other means she reads all this. If you read this understand, I give utmost importance to you and all you do, because as for me, like I always say., “Once a friend always a friend”. I did not ask you for any other favors other than online communication. And the last time you breached the gap you intentionally put in and came to me. I responded adequately. If you cannot respond to me then what exactly you want?  Honestly I don’t care about any one of your friends. Even when this conflict started I said that. I don’t expect any one of your friends to care about me either. Just because I say I don’t care about them doesn’t mean that I hate them. No I don’t hate them. But please stop lying to your own conscience that you don’t’ know me and I don’t know you. We know each other enough to call each other friends. Now the recent block I put in is temporary as it was done to give you a message how horrible this gap can be. It is not a warning, it is not a threat… but at this point of time from what all happened in recent times, I believe that you were a good friend and you are a good friend and you will be a good friend. Friends at times will have issues and at times will be at odds with each other. That won’t burn the bridges between them and create crevasses one cannot pass. One suggestion I can give is, take a broader perspective of all that happened. Look at the reasons I said for all my actions. I never excused myself with anything. I clearly told my intentions and I was truthful most of the time. Even when I said something not true at times, I always came back and cleared it. So the keys are.. openness, clarity and honesty. You may survive without all that with your present circle of friends but just look back in the last seven years we know each other. How many of the friends from 2005 still talks to you? You don’t need to give me an answer. Just understand a true friend may push you to the edge but will never let you fall.  
    I think you right now understand very clearly why I said many times that you are the reason why I am shutting down the sites or not going to write. If that is not clear, please go through the reasons again and again then you will know it very well.

So at this point… I have to suspend writing as she knows very well how I operate.. What I can say in the shortest possible way is.. Either we should resolve this or I have to find another girl.

That’s it.

Lone.

Here is the video of the “Ditch The Anger ” Show on BlogTV. It is about this post I am talking about mostly in this video.

 

Ditch The Anger– Broadcast your self LIVE

If some people think they can play me. You are wrong. Way wrong. Believe me, I have seen the world more than you can possibly imagine. See I gave someone a week. That was the decision I made last tuesday for that certain person to get her act together. She just miserably failed… Now what happened. She got booted out of all my sites again. There is no anger here… so no worries.

OMG there are people who want to make me angry. They give the best shot at it by making me wait. You know what I am way past that phase of my life. Read the following.

My Smile.

By the lake on a cold morning I sat,
Then at the sight of the tip of sun,
Into the cold water my legs I dipped,
Hydrophobia through every vein spread,
Then at the rising sun and the golden light I looked,
Step by step into the lake I walked,
And the whole of me cold of nature’s hands felt,
Then in every vein every bit of my anger, jealousy and pride I filled,
Slowly they became cold and cold and cold.
From the lake I came back and through the cold breeze walked,
Every step taught me to believe,
There is nothing I own and I am nothing better than anything.
Then immune to all that hurts I felt.
And the best of my smiles I smiled.
A God given smile none from my face can ever erase.

Yesterday evening when was standing outside watching the light drizzle falling down a bird came and sat on the string strung behind my house. It is strung between my house and post specially made to hang this bird feeder. Believe me this post is about 30 feet tall with a bird resting place on top and from it the sting comes and the other side is strung to my house with a hook. The bird sat on the corner of the string and moved a bit this way and that way as if in a dance. I smiled and thought what is this bird doing? Then I noticed the bird feeder is empty. So I walked out and took the feeder in and filled it with feed and left it hanging back there. Then I waited to see if the bird comes back or not. I waited for sometime and got back in as I haven’t seen even the sign of the bird around. After a while when I was emptying the trash can I saw the bird feeding at the bird feeder. And when I came out of the house with the trash bag the bird flown away like a bullet.. I said aloud, that’s it, there you go.. I just stood there in the falling rain until I finished writing this whole thing in my heart. And what exactly it means? Read it and think my friends. You are going to love the answers you get in your mind then you may feel a bit sad. I guarantee it.

 

The Bird Feeder.

The day from the clutches of a dark Lord broke away,
And through the landscapes along with Mother Earth moved,
Oh’ what a wonderful morning a poet watched,
As mind in the rhythms of happy thoughts danced.

Happy thoughts that came along a singing bird,
She sang and sang as if to impress hearts,
And then the empty can of bird feed I noticed,
Oh’ what a crime to leave the singer hungry.

Out to the growing yard I went,
And saw a wing of her away from all in flight,
Took the can and with a smile I filled,
The seeds and grains birds of her kind loved.

Left I and upon the steps I sat,
To see the singer with gratitude feed,
Nothing I heard, no bird I saw,
No wind I felt, no leaf for the warmth of eyes swayed.

Without much thought back into home I came,
My chores I did and when tying my shoes I heard,
The sweet voice a bird singing,
Through the window at her I peeped.

She sang and sang and then slowly ate,
The upon a strung string she walked,
Then on to the maple tree jumped,
And there through every branch she danced.

Her dance I watched Oh’ the best of the dances I’ve ever seen,
Many steps she laid ah, wonderful images in mind left,
For whom she danced I know not,
As when my presence she felt into the depth of sky she flown.

Many days with the same rituals passed,
And the bird every time my presence felt, away she flown,
Wondered if she knew to her no harm I meant,
Feed her as long as hands can I thought.

Many times only in nights the can I filled,
One day the bird in my presence may dance I thought,
Filled the can knowing somewhere in peace of night slept,
In her own ways, with her own love, unknowing all she slept

Then a night came when the can I filled,
And slept with not much thought about the bird,
That day I saw her dancing in all passions filled,
But flown away when my presence she felt.

In her dance the nature around thrilled,
And in my presence the wind with her flown,
The clouds way above covered the smiling sun,
And the gloom even in the petals of roes felt.

Oh’ out there for a while I sat all stunned,
Then with a pledge in mind back home I walked,
Never to try to watch the bird dance or hear her sing,
But to stay hidden from her eyes and fill the feeding can at night.
 

The Actual Bird Feeder And Bird that inspired to write this poem

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