Hey all who wished me good luck in finding the phone. I found it. Its
hard to lose any phone. It will be harder to lose this one.
I am indebted to you all for the well wishes. Here again one wish stood
out better than everyone read what Kekeway_Arinya_Mekae said.. “My Luck
goes out to you. ” It worked again. Thanks again Sam. You are
indeed my Mo Cushle and of course whoever feels your presense in real
are the lucky blessed ones.
I don’t have a poem as I am a little busy with a small move from
one hotel to another. I may have something later tonight but I am not
sure when I will be back tonight. As Ramadhan is over and life is
getting settled here. I am back with “Tess Of The D’Urbervilles”. I am
making a lot of changes in whatever I’ve written so far. It may take
couple of weeks at least before you can find the first of the Eight
large poems. When I say large you can imagine how large it is.
haha.
Enjoy what remains of the weekend and be blessed in the Sunday.
This day the 29th day of Ramadhan is important to me. When I was young I missed my father a lot, as
he was away from us in his business place. Once in 6 months he will come for
couple of weeks. Then in 1988, age and diabetes kinda got to him and he came
back to our little town and lived there with us. At that time I was first away
in another city doing my graduation and once I graduated I came back to town
but day time I spent most of the time in the big city nearby with my friends as
well as getting trained on computers. Surprisingly my father who spent most of
the time away was always eager to know when I came home. He never told a harsh
word at me. He never beat me or scolded me. Always soft spoken, a man I know
otherwise very short tempered and brutally strong. The only thing that upset
him at that time was me getting angry at my nephew for some reason. My dad
hated anyone saying anything bad or getting angry at my only sister’s children.
From 1988 till 1993, without giving one lecture he had shown me what a father
is supposed to be. Filled my life as a father till that time and another 150
years. On that fateful day after he gave charity money to all the poor he retired
for the night. Later that night he complained about breathing problems. We
tried our best to get him to the hospital but even the best of the doctors were
not able to save him. He died in 1993 of a massive heart attack. Because of the
diabetes he never felt the pain. Today is his 12th death
anniversary.
I am a little pissed off, I lost my phone. It is like losing
my girlfriend to an unknown guy. I spent $300 on that PDA phone. It’s not the
money or the data in there that matters. I loved it. I am not pissed off at
anyone but me..
Update: Ramadhan is over. Tomorrow is Eid..
The title of the following poem is taken from a book written a long
time back by James Hadley Chase. Even though I haven’t read this book
myself, my uncle used to tell us the stories when we were young. This
title lived in me for a long, long time and today at work it struck me
these lines.
Vulture Is A Patient Bird.
Rain came down all around filling,
Every bit of Earth around and my soul,
Flowers sprouted and with breeze danced,
So did I upon the meadows, in my wanderings alone.
The parrots, sparrows and robins,
Gave away music in competition,
So did I along with the birds with my whistles.
Some mornings woke up I,
And listened to the nightingales pathos,
That always reminded me of a heart in silence,
Somewhere away far away from me.
The warmth in the air went away,
So did all the fellow singers,
Nature’s ballet around the meadows closed,
The nightingale some mornings still sung,
But most of the time the boo of owl I heard,
May be mocking the loser left alone.
The Artic breeze slowly gained its strength,
But I was still there upon the meadows,
Going round and round in my walking,
Time and seasons make no sense,
To a waiting heart in chaos.
Silence induced in the freezing rain, fear,
That led to anger and oneself in battle,
With conscience about the purpose,
Someone won in the mind boggling game,
In through the cold evening breeze I walked,
To go as far away as I can,
From every bit of life I know and I may know.
As the evening grew darker and darker,
And my legs grew heavier and heavier,
Under the lonely fat tree I laid.
Upon the tree I heard the pecking of the beaks,
In the half moon light I saw,
Vultures from branch to branch hopping,
Upon the hardwood barks sharpening,
Their beaks with their bloody eyes upon me.
‘Come and eat me when you are ready, Said I,
As at least to your belly may be beneficial,
This unfortunate vagabond’s flesh and blood’.
I woke up next morning finding myself,
Though a bit frozen but bright and sound.
To my surprise the Vultures were still up there,
Oh’ hungry they were,
And every bit of them in chaos,
But they have their laws of nature,
And they wait till life is gone away,
From their pray forever,
Their patience shown me more light,
Than the gloomy wintry morn spreading,
With a smile back to the meadows I walked,
To wait for my darling to be ready to speak.
I think it was couple of weeks back I posted links to my childhood
pictures. Now here is another link which holds some of my college day
pictures.
College Pictures Late 80s Early 90s
Tomorrow probably I will post some of my family picture during my
college time and right after that. It will be fun to see the way people
evolved in years.
These are tiring days, the last days of the month of Ramadhan. Without
doing anything I am feeling tired. 3 or 4 more days to go. The Eid will
be either on Thursday or Friday depending on the sighting of the moon.
My prayers are there for each and everyone of you. Please excuse me for not commenting back.
I don’t know how much time it takes for someone to say “Thank you” still it did not happen. haha.
Frustration a lot of it came out because of multiple reasons. Even at
that time I know what is going to happen. Read the poem. That’s what
happened.
Silence Of An Abandoned Heart.
Days borrowed stallions from time and raced away,
Sun leaving blisters even on the hard rock boulder,
Upon which I lie thoughtless,
The northern winds pierced,
His long cold claws deep in the skin,
But the slow dying flame inside,
Still holds warmth against the dancing freeze outside.
Time seems to have gone lost,
On its way to the sick parasite,
From my birth around me drags,
Which the materialistic world praises as life,
As unchanged remained the months passed by.
Love never sprouted out like weeds in spring,
Love never dies by the end of the warms days either,
Though so different in many ways,
Unto each others likes and dislikes we fitted,
Each other making those simple events beautiful,
And the beautiful inner selves bound together.
Oh’ how many chose the path of time,
And lost beyond every hope of recovery,
Why you chose the material path I don’t understand?
And lost from your true love, far, far away.
Oh’ my mind I opened to you,
And every word written out of my heart,
But every effort to reach out failed,
In the elusiveness of yours from me,
And the invitation to reach me,
And to learn me, unanswered.
Dreams, deep inside they still linger,
Wishes, they never found any truth,
Dreams about wishes are all I have,
As everything paused, as you are not here.
The season though with colors filled,
Could only show the end of an era,
But the beginning of another so near, I know,
Though through whatever color I understand,
And any songs of wild birds singing with frozen throats,
I tried to weave some pleasant thoughts,
But language to compose any thoughts lost,
In a mind twisted with lost love,
And a heart forever in search,
For a counterpoint of its rhythm in yours,
And keeps me alive barely,
The beat of my heart I hear not,
No verse in the language of the heart I find not,
No words in any language I know not,
To tell my soul those pleasant thoughts,
As forever, this abandoned heart remains in silence.
Lies.
No more lies to the world I speak,
But deep inside the guilt I feel,
My time on earth I lied,
Many dreams I lied I’ve had,
Many prayers I prayed to live a lie,
Through lies many hurdles I passed,
And lived as if they were all true,
When dreams I weaved shattered,
No pieces of souvenirs I found,
As with all the lies they all vanished.
About who I am I lied,
About my knowledge and skill I lied,
Bad actor I am in this stage called world,
As all lies like arrows pierced,
Through my heart and I lie defeated,
A truth, the only truth in life I found.
Oh’ no more lies I could speak,
No more actions upon untruthful means,
My heart feels no more fear or pain,
But deep inside a pinch I feel,
After making my life a living lie,
Why didn’t I convincingly lied,
To my own conscience that bleeds,
That there is no love for you in my heart.
Couple of years back in 2003 while driving with a colleague from Milwaukee, WI to Overland Park, KS I got a phrase or title or whatever one may call it in my mind. It was this “A Ballerina’s Whisper”. At that time and until last week I always said this around many a times annoying my friends. Last week I was saying this to myself during thedrive from Virginia to Albany. Haha I got it all figured out during adrive in which towards the evening the sky colored up really well. It reminded me of the aurora and all I wanted to write around that title came into place.
There is fiction and fantasy in this poem that came out completely from my imagination. The part in which I am saying about meeting a girl in a train is taken from an abandoned poem I wrote long time back in SanFrancisco. So the ‘poetrybox’ really helped to fit it all together.There is a real part to it I myself don’t have clarity about it. So the poem itself is inconclusive. I think you understand what I mean. Love always eluded me between cup and lips. So I myself don’t know the end of it all. That is the core I thought about this poem. Tell me if I am wrong or not. Anyway, I hope you all will enjoy this poem and have agreat weekend.
The northern wind blew on to my face,
With no fury but with mercy,
A face warmed by the heat,
All wrinkled up as every bone shrunk,
With heavy feelings of life held upon.
Oh’ that fat old moon too rolled away,
Behind the clouds, darkness swept through,
The cityscapes where upon a skyscraper I sat,
Watching changes, feeling the pain,
Of the unhealable wound.
Though the moon hide away behind,
The clouds moved westwards and scattered,
Dragging the moon down and down,
Then from the north came another wonder,
Splashing across the horizon aurora in colors unseen,
In my amazement first I stood still,
Then went down the streets and walked,
Away from the rumblings of the city madness,
And saw the most beautiful dance of nature,
The best and most beautiful ballerina, I’ve ever seen.
She floated like a swan then breezed over,
On the tip of the clouds she turned and turned,
Fading away from eyesight,
Then jumped back in thousands of colors,
Leaving every star motionless,
Though light years away they are.
She split into every pattern,
A Kaleidoscope can make,
And rolled right over my head,
The cold wind indeed added the blessing,
The dark clouds far, far away,
That was more than any dream,
That was better than the perfect illusion,
One by one my senses filled and fell pray,
To the beauty of the dance enchanting,
My sight with the kaleidoscopic patterns filled,
The smell of air by the northern winds purified,
Every bit of my body touched,
By the wind so gently as if like a feather,
But nothing my ears heard,
I wondered about the silence,
And closed my eyes for a moment,
Then I heard a girl’s whisper,
“Don’t thou ever shut thy eyes to my love”.
I opened my eyes and saw,
All the colors in full bloom but paused,
Then they all started to fade away,
A long streak of light still showed ahead,
And in a distance I saw the aurora dancing away.
Back to my home went I,
And days passed by like the counting beads rolling,
I’ve never seen aurora in that magnificence,
But those words still in my mind filling my senses,
But in the busy city life dealing,
With the materialistic life day after day,
Among lost thoughts and dreams discarded,
Buried the echoes and patterns of that night.
One day during a late commute,
From work, in the small letters of a newspaper lost,
My senses and I closed my eyes,
And there were those kaleidoscopic patterns again,
I opened my eyes in surprise to find my station,
And through the snail paced fattening crowd I hurried,
When squeezing out I found a mid teen girl standing,
Her face with makeup all colored,
Her eyes, golden hair and the smile I noticed,
Thin like a stick but still pretty in her own way,
Also I noticed the way at me she looked,
Not as a stranger, but someone strangely familiar,
Paused I and paused my senses too,
As she blew a kiss in the air,
In my surprise for a moment my eyes I closed,
Within a second my eyes I opened,
By then her lips on my ears I felt,
Then into my ears she whispered,
“Don’t thou ever shut thy eyes to my love”,
And made a turn on the tip of her shoes floating,
Into the train as the door closed.
Perplexed and amazed I stood there helplessly,
As in my surprised amazement once more a glimpse I stole,
Of her smile and her waving hand in the moving train,
While those words once more echoed,
Through every corner of my body and soul.
a survey! I got tagged by faraway6. Though I don’t like surveys she is a wonderful virtual friend, so I got to do this haha.
10 years ago?
1. I was arrogant and wild.
2. I left city life for country life in India
3. I did not allow anyone to take pictures of me (Because I called myself URDL(ugly rotten dirty loser) haha
4. I wrote a poem with my ex-girlfriend as a character.
5. For the first time I thought national boundaries should not divide people.
5 years ago…
1. I drove from Milwaukee to New York in less than 12 hours without getting a speeding ticket.
2. I was forced out of a place I called my second birth place,
Milwaukee, as I couldn’t find a job there.
3. I moved to Kansas with my brother and family.
4. Learned that life is what we live not something we should achieve.
5. Decided to shut the poet inside down for a while. Did not write for more than a year.
1 year ago…
1. I was back in Kansas with my brother and family working at Sprint PCS.
2. Did not go to Disney Land when my brother and family went. Told them I am too old for that.
3. Decided to write poems from experience more than from imaginations. Ended up mixing both.
4. Started controlling my temper. Didn’t achieved much but still felt good.
5. For the first time I thought I am Lactose intolerant, which was later confirmed.
Yesterday…
1. Worked all eight hours, and then went to my room.
2. Invited one of my favorite writers on xanga to read and tell her opinion on my poems
3. Watched Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The only T.V. Show I watch regularly other than MONK
4. Felt tired and sleepy during afternoon, but it was just laziness at work haha
5. Almost lost my temper when my Laptop shutdown automatically.
5 snacks I like:
1. Cashews
2. Peanuts
3. Jelebi (Indian sweet)
4. Nan Khatai (Indian Cookie)
5. Mango Juice and Apple Juice.
5 songs I know all the words to…
1. Sacrifice By Elton John (My All Time Favorite Song in any language or genre)
2.The One by Elton John
3. Your Song by Elton John
4. Only If by Enya
5. Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton
If I had a million dollars…
1. Pay off all my debts
2. Go on a trip to Egypt and Europe.
3. Give a considerable amount to Cancer Research.
4. By this time I will be exhausted and broke again haha
5. ————-
5 things I would never wear in public…
1. A thong haha
2. Anything that have pink in it
3. A sleeveless shirt
4. Low waist pants
5. A shirt with Indian flag on it. ( I don’t like my motherland anymore)
Favorite TV shows…
1.MONK
2.Tonight Show With Jay Leno
3. Late Night With David Letterman
4. Monday Night Football
5. CSI (all flavors of that show haha, don’t watch that a lot but it is a good show)
5 bad habits…
1. Smoking (I am in the process of quitting this bad one)
2. Speaking Loud
3. Whining to God
4. Wearing the same cap all week. (I have three that says ‘LonelyPoet’)
5. Doing all of the above at the same time haha
5 biggest joys:
1. Praying, for myself, my family, my friends and all the people who deserves a prayer.
2. Making someone very happy with a surprise.
3. Music of all kinds, especially in the style of Elton John and Enya.
4. My own writing at times.
5. Walking on a snowy day or walking in rain (now a days I get very sick but still I do that).
5 fictional people I want to date:
1. Tess Of The D’Urbervilles
2. Princess Lea (Star Wars)
3. Thelma (From Marie Corellie’s Novel Thelma)
4. Imogen (Shakespeare’s Cymbeline)
5. Mina Harker (Brahm Stroker’s Dracula)
It was not that bad as I thought. Well Fae, I did it.
I am tagging Kekeway_Arinya_Mekae ( who once tagged me with a survey), spygurlrouge ( if she is still around).
See the following picture. One of my former collegue and a good friend
Lorie Koop was among these women who made a world record for women in
the skydiving. She sent me this picture in an email and I forgot to
open it. Enjoy the picture.
Right from the word go work is getting better haha. This is good in
many ways. I like it. I haven’t moved around this place much just
office and back to the hotel. This is so nice that the company pays for
everything. Well… I haven’t done much what I enjoy doing here
in Xanga, commenting. Last night I thought I would do that mmm nope. My
old lazy bones did not held up much longer. But the following did not
stopped from pouring out of my heart. I don’t know why I wrote this. I
don’t care, I liked it.
My Sacrifice.
Shed those tears of happiness you will,
When life opens up the blessings before,
You as your thoughts perfects into life.
Though through the confusion of mind you wander,
Dragged in and out, stereotyped,
And labeled as you will be thrown down
To that thin line between sanity and insanity,
Morality and immorality, all by life.
In paths of life alone you will be left,
When the clouds of uncertainty,
Covers and blinds every step ahead.
But sure I promise you those happy tears,
Sadness may be an ocean you may plunge,
But happiness is the unseen ocean of love,
Oh’ every man’s heart opens a path to that ocean,
Where the salty sad drops will dissolve.
If it is not to my open heart you walk,
I will catch those salty drops before,
They fall on the cursed grounds of,
Uncertainty of the crooked life,
And I will walk away with pleasure,
Of seeing another life passing,
With joyous smiles and happiness spreading,
Like a cool breezy summer storm,
From the age of innocence taking,
The first steps of life not knowing,
Your sadness will remain in my heart ever after.
I am in Albany, New York. psst.. dead downtown. Nothing is open. As it
is the month of fasting I can eat only in the night. Now I am kinda on
a water diet. Didn’t got anything to eat. haha. Well.. I am a believer.
That which I didn’t got this night I will get in a better way. I am
sure about it.
Well my xangans. I don’t have any poem for today also. I drove straight
for 7 hours and during the drive itself I break my fast by drinking
apple juice and eating some cashews. Now the bed is waiting for
me or rather my head is wishing for it.
The last post had one effect, one of the favorite writers of mine (the
one who never comments on any sites) came
and commented on something entirely different. Still no word on my poem
even after I told her a particular poem may interest her. haha. The
other one is after
comics I think.haha