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There was this talk with someone on Friday.That’s what this poem is all about. I usually don’t force anything upon me,well I have to, as this love I feel for this girl in all way is inappropriate.I am not going to give any details as that will expose her identity. I alsorequest her not to comment on this post and poem. It is nothing but love I feeland love in return is something I may not have. The whole thing is something Ithought I am way over and unreal. Now I know it is not unreal and in the comingdays, I have to get over this, because there is no appropriate or real goodending to this. I will succeed in getting over it, as I must.

07/14/06.

The early morning sun I did not see,
Can’t look at him when I woke up as in all his glory he blazed,
The Friday laziness through every vain wrapped,
Still the calendar shouted at me to be at work.

Oh’ the darling mind so matured yet so young,
The one I will always answer without doubt,
Frustration or sadness I don’t know,
She held my mind with her words and mine,
All day even hunger and busy schedules never bothered.

Real is my love for her with no reality to end,
Mind swayed when heard she is in doubt and pain,
Oh’ no way I can win your heart; no way I can walk away,
From my own conscience, yet, I still took my dirty laundry,
To clean as much as I can.

When closing my eyes I can see myself walking,
Over the ruins of a burned down city,
Charred bricks and woods, smoldering concrete,
Red hot metals and the wind blowing up burned papers.

These are the images of my own love I see,
Still a smile of satisfaction upon my face spread,
As far away I am and as far away as I can I will remain,
When the best feeling I ever felt for anyone,
In purity haunts and she in love,
Is loving and in the love she love.

Even when I walk around and talk to people,
I still feel the smell of ashes,
I know I burned down that city of inappropriateness,
As I sing a lullaby to the love lover in me,
For him to take his eternal sleep.

When watching stars far away I thought,
Oh’ sleep consume me as long as you can,
As peace of mind is an illusion only in sleep comes.
And dark and silent remained the rest of my night.
©RIAZAHAMMED.COM

Mo Cuishle,

     Haha, it is okay…
for you to tell me what they told. It may piss me off but they are all too far
away to feel the wrath of my Samurai Sword hehehe. Anyway I am quite cool about
it all. You know I will be.

  Looks like there is a
pattern of peace and chaos between us. That’s not a big matter now isn’t it?

  How is your mom? Is
she doing alright? My mom had a hysterectomy when I was like 10 years old…. I
was so scared at that time. Convey my regards to her to get well soon. She
indeed is a wonderful woman.

Have a great weekend.

Riaz Ahammed.

There are things I want to forget. I just can’t. That is theproblem if one become all real and start telling the bare naked truth. Well…There are things that fade away but never will it get erased. Trying to getthings to fade that’s what many poems are all about.

07/13/06.

From the couch after a short sleep I woke,
Breakfast, shower they all came and gone,
Work killed half of my muse, before they were conceived,
But a thrill with hunger and thirst lingered.

The evening brightened up my mind,
And after some pretty looking legs I walked,
Nothing else I watched or heard,
But  felt the heat in real upon the face,
And started sweating in the vengeance of the evening sun.

Evening I spent with my friends talking,
Early night I wrote in mind what thoughts I should write,
Remembered these lines a while ago I wrote,
In the pages of a face unforgettable.

“Spreading the wings far beyond horizons, stands,
The feelings of enchantment and fulfillment,
May those feelings always be in flight,
May those wings always cover,
When material world go in retrograde to wishes.”

Oh’ memories are always a wonderful curse,
Can’t swallow because of bitter inappropriateness,
Can’t spit as the sweetness of love so real,
Back into my couch I laid then sprung up,
As the warm night in silence spread,
A walk outside brought in a thousands lines of verse,
But they all faded away in the bitterness earlier I felt.
©RIAZAHAMMED.COM

Mo Cuishle,

       Interesting question, wow how will it feel I don’t know. You know, I was trying not to talk to you at all. That was what I was talking about in the last post. I blocked you then felt really sad. Then last week I deleted the comments about your pictures from your MySpace site and kept quite. Mmm.. you broke the silence. I really liked that picture with your smile… I was trying just the opposite of what I felt when I wrote that rude comment (so sorry about that).

  I don’t know what will help and what will not. Never tell that my love was a feeling unreal. It is real, that’s why even after fighting it for more than a year I am having trouble getting over it.

  Don’t get offended by my poems…. For Today’s poem (Yesterday-07/12/06) it became necessary for me to tell in the situation area who I am talking about. Otherwise, you may think it is you I am referring to in that poem. I cannot guarantee that there won’t be any reference about you in my future works. It will be there. If you feel offended by anything let me know I will remove it.

 

Riaz Ahammed.

Mo Cuishle,

You are partially right here and above everything else I feel I have a lot of respect for you for that understanding of the face that the love I felt was for a fictional character with your face upon her. Before I go any further I should explain a bit of that process through which I’ve gone through. My idea was to just take the character out of the book “Tess Of The D’Urbervilles” this is where I needed a face to that character. Because there was little or no description for the young “Tess”, I needed more and there I took you. Even before I put your face upon that very well respected character, I’ve had a lot of respect for you for the “I give you all of my luck” comment. Once I extracted that character it is her qualities that I wanted to depict and rest of the events in the novel I wanted to image in. The idea was wonderful but then everything went haywire as you from top of that character kinda started to fill in every aspect of my life. I think when I chatted with you on MSN I’ve told you I’ve had a similar situation where I know writing is what got me into this and it is writing that will get me out of this. By that time I decided not to write “Tess Of The D’Urbervilles” poem in the way I planned. I took the text and gone with events as is in the book to get to the character. This was in another way an attempt to get you out of the mind and to get the emotional side on the right track. Then I started the poetry marathon which led me to make all the hypothetical scenarios. Where I know at one or the other point you will figure the whole thing out. It worked. The whole attempt to get to Jennifer also helped. Then came another set of problems… Jennifer is flesh and blood is one self centered person I am dealing with. Things started to rewind and I blocked you out of my site. By that time I know I am in the process of going back to square one in this. Because you are way out of that character, you are you. I know I should not feel it. I did all I can to get rid the feeling. The Milwaukee trip, the wild rides, strippers and hookers you name it. All where attempts to divert the attention to something else. You may ask why… because I know one fact… there is no Tess behind you. It is Sam. That’s way too inappropriate. You are 16 and I am 37.

Now you told me something wrong… from what you said “If you loved “me”, things would be very different. You couldn’t love me, you’ve never met me. You love my face…” well I don’t agree with that at all. Love is spiritual, what you are talking about is the material part of it. If I loved only your face or looks then it is a mere sexual attraction than anything else. I am not that kinda person. For real love, one don’t need meet or even talk for souls see no boundaries. I know one thing… what I felt is real… it is just not the looks I liked, it is the person, the one who write things I understand and through which I learned a lot about the person I have never seen. And one who really understands my writing which is nothing but an extension of my emotions. That’s what I liked and said I love. Well… there are people who just see things in the other way and like things in the other way around. I am not that. I never met you, you are right. I don’t want to meet you. Even if I ever see you somewhere I may run, because it is just not right.

Sam it is easier to keep this talk going on and on and on. This time around I left and kept away. In all honesty I did not asked for your kindness which you offered. You came and told that to me. You wanted to know. I think I told ya… the truth is way to ugly and dirty. That’s why I am in a very dirty path. Will I ever recuperate from this mmm why the hell should I? As now I know the best feelings of love I ever felt was to someone only old enough to be my daughter. It just don’t worth to be myself anymore.

This poem was written yesterday… but I literally forgot to post it late night. My friend Mike Roberts is here with me. He will be here for another two to three weeks. We worked together long time back now he want to get back to IT industry and want to spend sometime with me as I am full of “IT” (LOL) and poetry. He don’t seems to understand like many of you do what these poems are all about. A while back I wrote a poem called “Vulture Is A Patient Bird” so be patient you will understand the full meaning of “Everything I do Is For A Reason, Everything I Say Have A Meaning”. 

   “Holly and Christine it is hard for me to forget” part of this poem is a spin off those lines… there is more to come.

 

07/12/06.

Where did yesterday go I asked, yesterday,

When morning blossomed in silence,

The old ugly stranger in the mirror I saw,

Oh’ quite he was all morning,

Then the afternoon with a strange frowning, he watched,

Then beautiful me inside spoke,

“Didn’t I told ya many times love for you is a mockery,

Of mind as your own villain you are,

Though love deep inside felt,

The reasons and rationale still unknown,

Oh’ roads once passed retraced,

Follow soulless beasts who all uncaringly smiled,

And upon nakedness of flesh sellers rested,

In the beauty of flesh and color you drowned,

Crawl back to your dark lonely den,

Where peace in silence awaits”.

 

Oh’ he shown gestures in anger,

And made noises in a language I know not,

I felt angry with my own projected self,

However, what he did next erased,

Every bad thoughts and ugliness about him from my eyes,

When he spend what he saved to feed,

Orphaned children far, far away who all know him not.

 

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM

Mo Cuishle,

    Tell me what should I do…. Just hit my head hard on some concrete wall? I can do that what benefit will it bring. Kindness mmm that is a word you should have never used. Pity… I don’t deserve it. Why I talk to you… because sometime back when twisting my emotions to figure out a character’s face I gave your face to that character and the end result was pure love I felt for you. I still feel it. Is this what you wanted to hear? I doubt it. If I know a way to erase everything from my mind well… for you I will do that. I know no way. All the things you and the world tell as my erratic or eccentric behavior, is to find a way around it. If you think love can be like smelling a flower and throwing it away, then you have a serious problem.

I understand the reaction very well…. Now at least you know the truth. Pity and Kindness are something I myself don’t give myself. Thank you very much for that. Like I said in my last post, I won’t tell ya what you should do or should not. However I decide what I should take or not to take. I reject your pity and kindness. Period.

You want to know the truth isn’t it? You read most of the
new poems I hope. It is nothing but the truth I am writing there. Mo Cuishle,
the most ironical fact is I just don’t accept the truth. That’s what the new
poems are all about. I am one man who lives in a fantasy land. Telling the
truth is the only way out of that land. It is sometime not easy to face it as
the truth is ugly. And it is ugly and dirty all these time.

  You said the magic words, you don’t care. Yes, you don’t care what I
care, that’s the truth isn’t it? When I requested comments in LonelyPoet.Com
kaboom you write in my guest book. Doesn’t it look deliberate? I warned you
about the poems. I know where I was going. The guilt is the bad roads I am back
in. If you read the poems carefully you will know what I am talking about.
 

  Now, let me tell you more truth. I have a failed relationship standing
and walking in front of me with a beautiful face. Jennifer, It is just me to
blame for that, because the attempt was too early. I think you know what I am
talking about. I don’t want to go through another emotional crisis like last
year. But something from which I thought I moved on is still lingering. I
understood that when at 2:30AM you came to my site and I woke up to see your
dedication of your life to your boyfriend. I deleted all the comments I can
from your Myspace and thought it is better to stay away than make a mess of
myself in this. That’s the truth. If I say I am so sorry… that is a mere
repetition of all the sorry I’ve told. I remember you saying once that you are
tired of this. You should be. I understand that. For me this is not a game,
this is straightening out my life. It is taking more time and effort for this
and I will get over what I must get over. Don’t worry about it.

 I am not going to
tell you what you should do. I don’t know what you can do about it all. I am no
one. So it is up to you whether you should comment in LonelyPoet.Com or not or
ever comment in my site at all. My “Yesterdays” poems initially will be like
this only but writing them will help to move on fast and I will get into more
easy subjects to write about. As for me like I said in my poem “Turning off a
light” my love life is pretty much over. I am too old and out of shape for it.
So there is no point writing about hypothetical scenarios.

 Nothing is okay so I
am not going to use those words to end it. Be good and good will come to you.
One thing is sure I will never have any bad feelings for you at all, and I will
never be able to forget all these. I once wrote, I have never taken one shot at
life. Now I think I am wrong. That shot was taken with a very bad aim.

<>Riaz Ahammed

Chaos in thoughts…. Well that will explain Tuesday…. Read.

07/11/06.

Thunders and lightning, earlier than me they woke,

Like naughty kids, started their scaring play,

Even before the lazy old sun lit up the East.

 

Under the pillow, my head I squeezed,

Though knowing the morning rituals will all be late.

 

‘Mad Tuesdays’, Tuesdays I call,

As all will end in negative, I know,

Longtime back in my teen life I tried,

To change my approach in my own way unique,

Everyone around me then praised,

Though wild it were, most of what I did,

From those days in the wild style of life I lived,

A lesson I learned about all who praised,

All those who praised where like my own shadow,

Hiding behind me when the bright light I faced,

And when in dark, left me to silence and darkness deep.

All those praises now I know,

Where mere projections of their insecurity,

My own conscience from that knowledge spoke,

“Look for the ones who spoke the truth,

Though the truth tellers, they may sound rude,

Oh’ they will remain in ones good and bad forever”.

 

No truth tellers in any day I found,

As in the obsession in what I sought,

To speak from my heart I learned,

Oh’ none seems to be around as in discipline the truth I spoke,

As all in the fantasies of liars, dwell.

 

Thoughts through the day wandered,

Those busy schedules to my life bound,

Oh’ all I did and do to find,

Balance between all I have and I don’t,

Oh’ none knows the spiritual struggle outweighs,

The struggle with a world in material I constructed,

Life slowly gathers both, unknowing to balance,

And the tug of war continues in the form of good and bad.

 

The end of the day neared and out for my walk I went,

Mind in thoughts far, far away boggled,

As in my minds eyes I saw a beautiful path well laid,

Deep from my mind a warning spoke,

“Flowers show more beauty,

Only to propagate than absorb”.

Negative thoughts in a positive mind thrived,

As I walked through country roads scaring rabbits,

Sometime I paused to listen to birds unseen,

Beautiful sounds they made and the wind blew in counter point,

Flowers of weeds peeped at a stranger walking by,

And overgrown ferns tired of themselves drooping to the ground.

 

After the walk, all energy blown up inside,

Music and poetry, Oh’ they love me more,

As all the time in embraces, good they make me feel.

 

The night kept me awake late,

In thoughtless internet chat my mind bubbled around,

Then for a moment paused I and closed my eyes,

As all thoughts of the day in a wonderful movie played,

The images of the tired ferns frame by frame played to end,

My thoughts of the day without any credits,

As mind into a deep dark valley unknown flown,

To nest and rest in a beautiful night.

 

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM