Author: riazahammed

My mind is in a swing, going up and down in an
even rhythm. My body was dancing in the rain yesterday evening. WoW I
loved it. What a blessing rain is. Those are the moments I remember how
valuable life is and how materialistic our attitude is. Well said that
I wanted to do more ‘bull’ dancing in the rain but the thunder and
lightning scared the ghost out of me.

The stale life of mine still continues. I think I
am enjoying life better than the most blessed person in the world as I
see nothing ahead of me. And my past? It took the shape of a wonderful
woman and ran away with another good looking young guy called ‘Fate’. 

I thought of posting an article one of my friend
sent to me earlier today about poetry. Later he came back and told me
not to post it in here as he couldn’t find the copyright information.
He is looking for it once I get it I will post it here. It is a good
one many of your may like it.

This is a poem I’ve taken again from the chapter
‘She’ from my website. The new poems I am working on are all getting
ready. I just can’t say when I will like posting them here. But sure my
fellow xangans I will not disappoint you all. 

Here is the poem. 

To Be Loved By You.

In my lonely wanderings,
The call of my soul I heard,
Weeping alone, wishing to be heard. 

The ways to your heart, I hope,
Are all still open to love,
But dear never throw away my love,
Out of earth, into deep space,
Let my love share and care yours. 

The April rain brought flowers,
The wind spread more life,
But here in the valley of love,
Only the cry of my soul I hear,
And see the ruins of the remains,
Of a lost kingdom of love,
From those ruins I wish to build our life,
But everything I did alone failed,
Even to cast a brick. 

A look of love of yours I know,
Will rebuild the empire of love,
Heal the pain of this aching heart,
Wipe the tears of this crying soul,
And at your door step I stand bare footed,
With dreams about hopes and hopes about love
To be loved by you.

 ©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com during the spring of 1999.

This is a day that gone by about 5 light years away from me. Well none of my five senses felt the day or anything in it.

I have WPPD (Web Purchasing Paranoia Disorder) I
don’t buy anything from the web. But today I broke all my paranoia and
brought a WiFi Card for my PDA phone. I cannot fully say I broke
through all my panics, I used my paypal account but did not used it
directly, I moved money from my bank to paypal and then paid with it.
Whew what a relief. Usually I buy stuff when I was about to go out of
employment. That is what I did today. Hehehe. Blow my own resources.
Little crazy isn’t it. Well that is what I am.

Here is the second dose for my
“Looking, Thinking And Waiting” Poems. There won’t be a waiting part to
this poem. And I don’t want you my Mo Cushlas  to wait. I hope you all understand what I mean.

 Thinking About You.

All my life I felt like a star twinkling,
With thoughts of a clear night,
When my sweetheart’s bright lucky star I become,
A loving glimpse of her will give birth,
To a million lucky stars of mine,
Light years away I may be,
But thoughts about her,
Still keeps this loving heart warm. 

With closed eyes through the dark I wander,
With the northern wind blowing,
Whispered into my ear, into my soul,
That my sweetheart is guiding me,
To the absolute perfection of life,
Even in the darkest part of the dark,
A thought about her guides me,
Guides me right, guides me to light. 

Every corner of my heart and soul is filled by her,
In everything I see, hear, feel and smell,
My love for her I find,
Even in deep sleep,
With her is my heart and soul,
Unseen and unheard about her,
Only thoughts described her in full.

Now the mist is gone, so is the veil of darkness,
The guiding ray, guided me to you,
By the pale moon and by all the creations on earth,
I swear,
From heaven till now,
I was thinking about you.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com in the spring of 1999.

The blazing heat still depresses me every second.
The stale conditions are enjoying my misery with the pleasure of a
vampire. I wonder how long I have to wait. I just don’t know that there
is going to be any clarity soon. There is an event I am waiting for
that will complete a lot of my thoughts.

  Mmm those are the
thoughts that I said into my recorder during lunch break when I was
driving to Jerry Subs. After lunch I talked to my marketer and there
isn’t much happening there either. So I have to wait again. The pain of
waiting is incredible.

 Said that I remember two poems I
wrote out of a song I wrote when I first started writing in English.
The song was called “Looking, Thinking And Waiting”. Even though I
burned that song before I left India
I wrote the Looking and Thinking part as two poems and put it in my
website. The waiting part is something I did not write as I know I will
only pain myself more as all my life I was waiting for things that did
not existed.

Here is one of the poem.

 Looking For You.

The sun went by saying bye,
Darkness adored my little eyes,
Some where across the city,
You rest after the hectic day.

My past I remember,
Lived with open eyes, always,
Kicking away bad patches of life,
But always with hopes about life,
Not alone but with love,
Love of that girl that guides me right.

Every day went by,
But hopes lingered on,
That kept my eyes open,
Every night went by,
But dreams kept me alert.

From the moment of birth,
With all my senses I described,
The sweet heart that will enlighten my soul,
And now, here, near me you are,
I can only love you a little more every day,
’cause so long I was looking for you.

 ©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com in the spring of 1999.

Depressingly hot that’s all I can say about the weather. Well I was in New York, it was a wonderful trip. I took Amtrak all the way. But I didn’t get the job.

 All day yesterday and today I was
trying to configure mail for one of my domain and it just don’t work. I
contacted the support guys and they also were not able to figure out
why. That is another frustration.

 My job here was supposed to be
over yesterday, but looks like these guys are going to keep me for
another week or two. My mother finished all her medical check up.
Doctors found a small swelling inside her stomach. Nothing to worry it
is some bacterial infection. So she is happy and I am happy about that.
Yesterday I started calling my life the ‘F’ word once more. I don’t
know why, I am just too busy and crazy. But there are those moments I
just sit and think and understand more and more this whole idea of life
on earth. Every passing second has a beautiful meaning embedded in it.
And I am forgetting that fact and call those seconds a bunch of
rascals, because it means nothing to me. That which don’t care about me
don’t mean anything to me and I will call them whatever that comes into
my mind.

 I’ve written about something it
was about what I noticed about the way people change through age. Well
I removed it as I thought rather than a self criticism my writing went
wild after many things which I never thought about writing when I
started writing that piece. May be I will think about that idea a lot
in the coming weeks and bring out something. But unlike many other
writers I don’t like to write anything when my mind sways with multiple
problems. There are no multiple problems in front of me now. From the
patterns I see I know things can go bad. Where, when, how I don’t know
that is my problem.

 Enough craziness for the day, my
love for my family on xanga is immense I cannot get out of my office
without giving you my share for the day.

 Here is another poem from LonelyPoet.Com.

Images.

Where do I find a way?
That prepares the long road ahead,
All the dreams have fallen by the way,
But your face fills my life.

A little more care by you,
Would not have caused the sway,
But tell me what dream I should pursue,
In my way to you.

Alone in the middle of somewhere,
Where life stands still,
And I belong to nowhere,
In my pursuit to your loving heart.

But now when I walk through the darkness,
Just with the wish of lighting your life and love,
Past seem fading into colorless images and to darkness
What glorifies is the image of my love.

From stillness life just cruises away,
And fallen on the ground with face down,
I could only weep and stand at bay,
Smelling the sand that god used, to bring me down.

May be you are right and I am wrong,
Sure I know nothing of the days ahead,
May be I am right and you are wrong,
Let love rule the life of yours ahead.

When leaving with a prayer for you,
Regretting the unknown mistakes of the past,
And the lost ways I pursued,
An image still stays colorful,
With your smiling face in all its glory.

 
©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com in the summer of 1999.

I am a bit crazy here, my work is ending in couple of days. Tomorrow I am going to New York for an interview. Uncertainty  is
a monster I hate big time. But that is one monster that is haunting me
for sometime now. Oh now I wonder how much I loved that monster in my
younger days.

 There are a lot of things to
write but I am hitting zyphyr (a word I use for nothingness) where are
all these events leading me to. I usually feel a pattern in it all now
I just don’t understand. May be my senses are shutting down to zyphyr.

May be there is another time I realize, I am a phoenix.

This is a poem I wrote when someone I
was chatting with asked me what sort of husband I may become. Now I
wonder, Why the hell did I wrote this poem. May be because this is the
true me.

 

To My Bride.

I loved to see her as my bride,
And there she is standing,
With pride as my bride.
On this wedding day I promise you dear,
That the rest of my life remains just for you.
By the planets, stars and galaxies, I swear,
To carry you in my hands,
In the difficult paths of our life.
By the light of the day, I swear,
To make you the guiding ray of our life.
Until water dries away from oceans,
And the blue sky becomes dark and remain dark forever,
We know love will remain,
By the generations to come, I swear,
My love for you will fill the vacuum,
After all perishes away.
By the love you gave, I swear,
To preserve the sanctity of the individual in you.
Even if the unimaginable happens and takes you away,
I swear, rest of my life, I will live alone,
Until my soul meets yours.
By this wedding day, I swear,
To preserve the happiness of yours.
And by the happiness of this day,
We remember forever, I swear,
To perish away than change my words.

 ©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com early spring 1999.

I feel lazy and crazy and dizzy. I am totally
disconnected from reality. Well that is good for me as reality is stuck
some where I don’t even know. I don’t care or I just can’t care. As we
little souls care about me I don’t need to worry about explaining to
them what my life is like. This is a stale period. From my experience
with my life the stale scenario will end with me going down, down and
down. But I will get up and get back at least a step ahead of where I
am right now. To put it in another way I hate status-quo I always look
forward to change. I don’t even dream about the same lady everyday
these days. Mmm I don’t even dream about any lady at all. Love can
freeze one or throw one into a frozen plateau. Or Love can throw you up
into a never ending flight.

Enough sarcasm for today. There are a
lot of good things happening to a lot of people like me I am happy for
them. From my pervious post I heard some people saying that don’t pray
to God. Well that’s all I do regularly. I am a believer but don’t
misunderstand me as if I am forcing this on anyone. I just said what I
believe. If you don’t I still consider you as my friend. That’s the way
I lived all my life with friends from every belief, cast, color, class
and culture.

 First Words.

When around me I looked,
What I found was darkness.
When in the bright light I looked,
What I saw was emptiness.
When into my own heart I look,,
What I see, hear and find is,
The slow merger of senses,
And into the darkness and emptiness,
Filled in the love of mine to you,
Everything I found meaningless,
Became precious with life,
As everything is filled with you,
Somewhere in you remains the glory of my passions,
And to that passions I say,
Live another day for my love to murmur,
A word or two about her love for me.
And to the lost days I say,
The meanings of you all will be found,
In those first words of her love for me.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com in the fall of 1999.

Life will suck
people deep in when one don’t think right and act well. That is what I
can say about these days. But my long experience with life had shown me
a lot of these things. From hearing about the cancer of a 4 year old to
not hearing about my next job my days tried to suck me in deep. But the
obesity of experience let me crawl out to day light.

But it is freaking hot here. Second day in a row in the 90s. God I hate summer. I need the powdery white monster. A lot of it.

I don’t watch
T.V. news. All the news channels are filled with one name Dennis. I can
understand the people who are running away from it. But what is the fun
of these weather reporters running into it. They struggle in rain, high
winds without good food and shelter. All this for what? A reality show?
Boy people around me are obsessed with reality shows.

I watched the
movie The Forgotten, it was not a super hit movie. I loved the theme.
And Julian Moore the one woman who is pretty even if you throw dirt on
her face. My hats of to her for the wonderful performance.

In the state I am from in India
there is a legendary belief of a bird they all call “Vezhambal”. That
bird is believed to have a hole in the beak. So the bird cannot drink
water or eat other food. The bird survives only with rain water as when
it rains the bird keeps the beaks open upwards and drink water.

Well that bird
at least knows what it is the bird is waiting for. For me I really
don’t know what I am waiting for. There are so much confusion in my
life. I am sterile now. I don’t feel it or just don’t want to feel it.
So I am comfortable, happy and cheerful, except when I think about
love. Then with all my spirituality I pray and pray and pray to God to
make me a better lover. But every time I pray I always forget to pray
to God to give me a lover.

Here is a poem I wrote a while back and posted in LonelyPoet.Com.

MyPrayers.

You the one I love and care,
You the one that gives me hope and dreams,
God might have created thousands of flowers,
When your face was created,
God might have created hundreds of singing birds,
At the time of your birth,
It might be their prayers,
That gave me your love,
You hold me with your love,
Like a shell keeps the pearl.
Thank you ‘Oh you the beneficent king’,
Who filled her heart with love for me,
Who filled my heart with love for her,
Thank you ‘Oh you the beneficent king’,
Who made her heart so precious for me,
Who made my heart so precious for her,
Hey you, the one I owe my life,
Let me take your hands and pray,
For being with you in the life after death.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com in the spring of 1999.

   Today
not much happening other than couple of interviewers calling me at work
and me running out of office to take those calls. Just hanging in here.
I can’t speak a lot as my throat is really sore. I don’t know why my
throat went bad all of a sudden.
     It is
really really sad and horrific what happened in London. My heartfelt
prayers goes to all those who died in the explosions and those injured.
I hope there will be no more death among  the injured. This once
again tells us that there are a lot of evil people in the world who
don’t understand the values of humanity. It is peace and prosperity
that they hate. The spread of peace and prosperity all around the world
can be used as one of the means to defeat them. But there are times
when eye for an eye is the only option. I fear we are nearing to that
only option.

 Here is an old poem.

 This is a poem I wrote some day in June 1998.  It was originally named ‘About My Megan’ I named it like that just to piss off Megan’s boyfriend.  Now Megan is a poet I met in an unusual place. She was a stripper working in a Milwaukee
downtown strip club. After talking to her couple of times I found out
she is just not bluffing with me she is a wonderful writer. She had a
lot of personal problems some of the stuff she told me. It was just a
friendly relationship and her boyfriend had a lot of other suspicions
about the whole friendship. I wrote this poem and gave it to Megan
during a lunch I’ve given to before I left Milwaukee.
The original I know is destroyed by her boyfriend after seeing the
title. I only laughed as I know she meant nothing to me and I meant
nothing to her.  One thing is sure; she is one of best writers I’ve seen in my life.

 About Megan.

Buried deep in the heart,
The feeling of anguish to life,
From the mother’s womb thrown out,
Into a life she tried to end,
At an age when everyone else,
Thought about nothing but the future.

Life is never harsh,
But attitudes make life harsh.
So many near, but all selfish minds,
Buried herself within her,
From those haunting past days.

Opened her everything to everyone,
But not that pure soul,
It lives somewhere deep, still pure,
Even when life took the deep plunge,
Dragging her to the wrong place,
Dissolving in her own wrong,
Earns her living from sex scavengers.

Don’t know who am I?
May be the onlooker who is
So helpless, so sad,
When watching a good soul dance,
As a good scavenger.

 ©RIAZAHAMMED.COM.

Today, independence
day, I am coming to an end of the so called “me” time. I am fine well
relaxed, may be over relaxed. I did not wrote a lot. I made a pdf
document with all my poems in it. 81 poems, filled in 88 pages, mmm I
need a lot more a good start and good end. The conflict is already
there. If you all get time visit LonelyPoet.Com and read all my poems
then you will understand what I am talking about. But I know you all
are busy people who don’t even get time to read your own email, yada
yada yada. That’s alright.

I’ve seen a lot of great
writers in xanga, I hope they all hold themselves up and publish their
works it will be a great contribution to literature. Just never give
up.

This is a good day, a lot
of celebrations going on around. I am not going out anywhere I want to
talk to my mom, last time I talked to her who is in India she said she
have stomach pain and docs are going to scan her for kidney stones or
gallbladder stones. I am going to sit and watch Monk all evening in USA
network. I love that show. But that doesn’t mean I am going to leave
you all just read a boring post from me. Here is a little poem I wrote
in the spring on 1999.

This is a note I left on top of the post I made in my site when I first released it in LonelyPoet.Com in the spring of 1999.

“A
poem written with a lot of thoughts about the moment I am going to hear
the words of love of my sweet heart. Those first words of love from her
sure will inspire another hundred poems.”

The
one I loved or I thought who is going to love me the rest of her life
did not said anything to me. So I stopped after about 26 poems. You
know now what is the conflict I was talking about earlier in this post.
There are a lot of unspoken things about that conflict. I will speak in
my verse, but I will never say anything about the identity of that
person. I still have a lot of respect for her.

Here is the poem.

My Love And Life.

In this world we live and die,
A world that’s beautiful to every eye,
A world in which great men and women were born,
A world that bares the ugliest cruelty,
A world that had seen great wars,
A world that had seen great famines,
A world that had seen heroes triumph,
A world that had seen great romances prevail and fail,
To that great and beautiful world,
When you held my hands and told,
I am the only one in your life,
When you closed your eyes and told,
You love me with your heart and soul,
I felt the whole universe dissolve in me,
The whole nature bowed before me,
I heard the birds sing for me,
I saw oceans becoming calm to hear me.
Oh My Dear,
With the faith that made a saint,
With the skill and knowledge that made a genius,
With the opportunity that made a man great,
I return my love and life to you.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM.

p.s. I changed the song.

These are dull
days; most of the people are waiting for weekend. I am also waiting to
shut myself up somewhere. The busy days at work are almost over. The
project I am working on will start to wind down starting next month.
Stability is a myth in my life. But in another way I enjoy uncertainty.

 The
following is a poem I wrote in 1999 and was posted in LonelyPoet.Com.
Even at that time I know it is not a complete poem as a part which I
said and wrote by my ex-girlfriend in a pad was missing.  Yesterday when I was unpacking one of my old boxes I found that pad.  I
was thrilled to find those lines I spoke and later written by my then
girlfriend, Jessica. I modified the original poem and added those
lines.

Thanks
everyone who supports me through those wonderful comments. Before
ending I have to do this. My hearty condolences to the family of Capt.
Brad D. Squires who died in a road side bomb attack in Iraq. I never knew him personally but through the tearful words of Kelly Miller now I know he is the man of the moment.

Here is the poem.

Real Love.

From the moment I understood the first words of care,
From that great loving mother of mine,
I thrust my faith on knowledge,
So lucky I was, getting it all, from all,
The true stories, the fictions and the life around.
I read, I wrote and I thought I felt,
Love from many, around me, some far away,
All left me without glimpsing the loving heart,
The ever loving mother still prays for me.

Pen never stopped scribbling,
When life extended to the other side of world,
I extended that life into verse,
But none of my verse shown light,
To the lover in me, who left me in dark,
But the looks and words of that strange girl,
Shown light to the lover in me, back to me.

 Into her ear I whispered my verse
“There is light everywhere filling the day,
Though not so bright still showing the night,
Day will fade into the dark of the night,
And night into the brightness of the day,
But the light you filled in my heart,
Will brighten my soul night and day,
And will show the path for our love to eternity.”

From her sleep my voice woke her,
And she beat my verse with these lines.
”Read all your poems again and again,
Loved them all, but found them as reflections of you,
I love the real poem god had written,
The poem I love most, which is you.”

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM.