Category: Uncategorized

Another holiday Monday. I watched couple of movies on HBO then went to
BestBuy to see if my laptop is back. No, it is only shipped from MN
mmmm sad… I don’t know I love laptops hehehe. Then watched the Golden
Globes, wow pretty women in pretty dresses driving everyman out of his
mind. The only man I noticed, my favorite guy in Hollywood these days,
George Clooney. One heck of a man, I always complain about my grey
hair. Well it is a beauty for that guy haha. It was so nice to see
Bernie Taupin winning an award, though not with Elton John, but of
course writing a song for a Gay movie hehehe. See Mr.Taupin always need
something gay for success even though he himself is not gay.
 Well..
notable moment this evening. None of the Desperate House wives got any
awards for acting. I liked that. Lost, won an award, even though I
haven’t seen even one episode of that show my friends love this show. I
thought George Clooney may win the award for the best director. But I
haven’t seen the movie ‘Brokeback Mountain’. I may never see that
hehehe.

That was my day. Sorry for the late post. You know
what I was doing all day already. Now this poem, last month someone
asked me to explain my first kiss… Well I explained I was like 14 years
old in a very conservative town, the girl was two years older to me.
Well things did not ended with just a kiss hahaha, that was the first
everything.  During the New Year time, I was in the office busy
and getting crazy with work and after finishing work I was driving back
to my room and I remembered the first kiss. I immediately started
recording into my voice recorder which was really funny to listen to,
it was like audio porn hehehe. I deleted it after getting the main
idea, my explanation was that bad. That’s what the first part of the
poem is all about. The next part is not written for myself even though
in the poem it is me who is the character. It was written in a general
way. Like I said in my update yesterday in LonelyPoet.Org “There was no
one out there to love me. I am positive about that.” Yeah… so the
second part is just a fantasy, so the poem is kinda inconclusive.

Have
a wonderful week ahead folks… I love you all. Next weekend mmmm I may
not be online at all. I am going to see “Dorothy” well.. I mean, I am
going to Kansas.

My Promise.

Three days… a face that filled,
My life in precious patterns,
The glory of a life time of passions,
Obsessed everyday until those days, fulfilled.

The giggling water streams of a hill side stream,
Played never ending symphonies,
As you and I lived in a bubble flown up,
As even the feeling of love shied away.

Upon that day I promised never to forget,
But those moments of sex and passion and days,
Went into the past of you and I,
Life as calamity dried away with your image.

All these years I held to you an obligation,
My first woman, though so young we were,
A never ending dream those days left in me,
Every moment with you lived in a corner of my heart.

Now in the hope of rejuvenating life in another love,
I have to leave every passion of those days away
As upon the love of an innocent lover I drown,
Love I never got in every ‘body’ that passed through my arms.

Upon the eyes of a girl I never touched I promise,
Holding every star witness, I swear,
That the love I always held in is for this girl,
Whom I love, more than anything anyone ever loved.

There
were flaws in the poem that went unnoticed by those who commented
already. It might be an oversight. But if there are any problems with
grammar or punctuation or anything else please feel free to put that in
your comments. It is okay to say the flaws to me keep in mind English
is not my mother tongue. An old man 75 years old today emailed me
saying what was wrong. haha. He also said he is a big fan of my poems.
From 14 through 75 I think I got all age groups in here hehehe. It is
11:38AM and I got to go for a meeting. Have a great day.

Hello Everyone,
     I hope you all are having a wonderful time out
there. I took a much needed break. Well yesterday all day, I relaxed
with sleep, music, T.V, reading. I didn’t write anything. However by
the end of the day I realized that it is time for me to prepare for the
unknown, I mean the future. As it is unknown there is not a lot I can
do. It is a string of “If” conditions, like in a COBOL program, if it
is this then do this else do something else, else something else. If
none of the if conditions work go crazy hehehe. I never expected this
well I know no matter how much I calculate and prepare something is
going to surprise. This is a good one I will enjoy taking myself
through. Is there irony in it? Yes, plenty of it. Do I care about it?
Hell no…. These kinda thoughts made me withdraw completely into my
room. Then after about four hours I came out and sat in the cold
executive center and typed in the following poem.  

Earlier today I updated my good old blog site lonelypoet.org. Tomorrow
is a holiday I hope my computer may come back repaired. I lived without
a girl in my life for years in the past but without a laptop mmmm not
in the last eight years. May be that love of the computers is what is
keeping a lot of love from me…. May be haha.

Lifeless
Life.

A wild cat-stretch took me out of bed,
Brushed teeth before the first word I said,
My own aging face with grey hair annoyed,
Shaved away ten years of the real me.

Peanut butter, grape jelly and a banana sandwiched,
Between wheat bread to break my nightly fast,
Tea with cardamom, vanilla syrup and honey,
Day can’t start any better than that.

When on the way, thoughtless in my routine,
What a discipline I learned in these years,
Office to home, home to lunch, lunch to office,
Monotony molded my life in every way.

I scribbled ridiculous verses far away from my life,
Lived in a dream through my verses all these years,
Waited for a dream to live through me, but in vain,
My only forgetfulness was to live a life given to me.

On my way back home still thoughtless I remained,
Were did I lose my muse in that hour? I don’t know,
Where are the pretty images seen, when my eyes I closed?
I know a change up in the horizon that breezed to me.

Before going to bed I once more wrote,
Another piece of verse I loved to dream,
Still acting the forgetfulness earlier I said,
As I always will do the same the rest of my life.

Not a day I will live in the way life told me to,
Not another soul I will bother with my own life,
Not another moment will I dream with another soul,
O as forever I will sleep dreaming a life with you.

Still in no mans land…. Well… my friend and boss all in one managed to
send the paper by USPS express mail at by 10:40PM last night, as by the
time he reaced town area DHL, FedEX and UPS guys turned their hands
saying that he should’ve got the package to them by 3:00PM for an
overnight delivery. I then know it
was a chance he is taking for me. I cannot blame him. A man with a
family of couple of demanding teenagers and one old car tried his best.
Lal, is more like a brother for me. Hats off to him for his best
efforts.

 Well… the anticlimax is USPS did not delivered it today. All in
vain. I felt sorry for all the yelling at Lal and the attorney for
screwing this whole thing up. That’s me, I regret every angry moment
later. Now for three days I have to sit on my hands. The attorney still
is optimistic in pulling this one off. I just have to wait and see.

 Today there was no much panic, just waiting and waiting to see if
the postage is going to be delivered. I didn’t do anything at work at
5:00PM I sent an email asking for a guy to fix and application which is
not responding. Then I sat thinking about a lot of things and wrote the
following. I don’t want to leave you my family with a question upon
your head about me. Read the poem that will tell you how I feel now.

You all have the best of all weekends.

Flower From A Garden
Unknown.

In the course of time mankind chose,
Many ways to express heartfelt love
Many ways, even the all seeing God may shy away,
Many other ways made the Almighty God proud,
Of his best creation on Earth.

Wonderful creations we are,
Blessed in many ways, unfortunate at times,
Being loved, unloved, discarded and some hated.

Poets chose images to depict love,
Painters in colors shown the love,
Musicians from their heart played their love,
Dancers blend it all in every step,
The joy of love and passion,
The expression of life in depth,
All won and lost many times in one lifetime.

Oh’ blessed I am that I loved,
I wrote about love in many, many ways,
I always imaged you in my verse,
With my verse that chanted the pride of my love,
Through those verse I have shown,
The best images that echoed my thoughts,
And filled your ears with words,
Words that danced upon your mind.

I championed you in everyway mankind known,
And in many ways to mankind unknown,
But you with one action took away my pride,
And forever I plunged in your love,
As you laid the most beautiful flower upon me,
A flower from a garden unknown to mankind,
A garden in paradise, you opened before me,
When you laid your heart upon mine.

If there is a Thursday I hate that will be this one. Even when I type
in this, the negativity that came into this bright warm day is not
over. The details are crazy, as my new company manager forgot to sign a
document when he sent them to the attorney. The document must go to
USCIS( United States Citizenship And Immigration Services) tomorrow.
And he is still somewhere in rural Wisconsin not able to find a FedEX
or UPS store to overnight that document. As minutes pass by the ever
optimistic me is losing hope. All went bad, all was bad. I will update
later about what happened when day is over in Wisconsin.

I wrote this poem even amidst the chaos of work and this whole thing
going crazy. I really don’t know why I wrote this poem. May be when
everything settle down at some point of time in the future I will be
able to figure that out.

I love you all and I am really sorry I don’t have a happy face to show.

Left Over Thoughts.

Tragedy, my conscience screamed,
As dragged away my heart,
My whole being into seclusion,
The tear ducts in amazement frozen,
Tearless eyes in drowsiness closed,
As many more aftershocks came,
And erased all that felt one by one.

A relationship in failure mocked.

All the positives and negatives felt,
After we lost each other to dreamless nights,
Stood out were the unfitting qualities of mine.

Now when I look at this day so bright,
Unusually warm for this winter,
Trees amidst the town stand like ghosts,
Bare naked but hauntingly beautiful,
Waiting for a warmer day to come.

Busy people passing by with unusual looks,
Upon my face confused between happiness and sadness,
I wonder what sadness deep in their heart they hide.
Still they all show a happy outlook in acting.

Oh’ in the middle of the flow standing,
As everything looks like the echo of some past,
Every sound I hear like a whisper of a familiar face,
All feel like time stopped to feel the past,
A past of joy filled days of laughter and love.

In my minds eye I see a thousand faces,
All yours, chanting my verses,
In this moment of insanity I know,
Happiness is what fills in everywhere,
And sadness is just a left over thought.

I officially pressed the panic button earlier today, when couple of
checks sent to my attorney was said to have delivered by USPS but the
attorney swearing they did not got it. My real insanity came out when I
contacted the post office and asked for an explanation. Eventually they
found the envelope not delivered in the morning mail but they did
delivered in the afternoon. The post office called me back and
apologized for the delay.

 Now this is just the starting
of it. I expected these kinda panics by third week of this month, why
wait, start now hehehe.  Last night I said in a comment, I am
getting sick and tired of being tense all the time.

 Said
that… I am going to say something different now. Well… I’ve read couple
of posts and they are by really wise people who told their mind. That’s
not the point here. The “I” how important is “I” to you? For me I
always say I am the most important person in my life( thanks Lee Falk)
and it is true. However, I do care about others also. If I cannot be
happy and I can make one person glad everyday, I consider myself as the
luckiest man in the world that day. That’s what I do in other people’s
xanga sites, write the best comment possible for any given situation.
In these laptop less days that is not fully possible and dear xangans
please excuse me for not commenting on many sites.

Love you all.

Tomorrow is my favorite day… some Thursdays gets effed up also…. Yeah I don’t want tomorrow to be another bad day.

This
poem… I wrote it a while back the first draft…. I don’t know I wrote it
in a drawing book, I think I was trying to draw Manisha Koirala she is
a Nepalese born Indian actress. The heartthrob of the Indian youth in
the 90s. I know I tore off that page because the drawing was that bad.
But there were some lines written on the other side which remained.
This poem was written out of those lines like in the afternoon when I
finished one portion of a test I am doing at work.

Enjoy it.

On Your Footsteps.

The morning embraced the meadows.
Like a dream filling in an empty mind,
The soothing wind ran around,
Whispering a wake up song in every ear.

The pale old moon had fallen asleep,
The morning flowers filled the mind,
Sipping in the morning dew.

No matter what happens in nature,
Dawns will only be completed,
When the gentle footsteps of yours bless,
The golden valley that blend with you,
The caressing hands of yours touch the flowers,
And the waiting dandelions, tulips and roses open,
Their last petals to finish their beauty.

Amazement fills in the life of the nature around,
In enjoyment when you whistle the song of the cuckoo,
What should I do to when that innocence fill in my mind?
What should I do to care the beauty you are in and out?
What should I do to with the feeling of love all around?
When every bit of life holds you dear,
How can I alone hold you near?

I can only walk upon the footsteps you leave,
As from the feeling of the nature around, I am sure,
I will be lead to eternal love.

Today Eid day, morning started with prayers. I went to the mosque and
finishing prayers I reached office earlier than expected. It was a
hectic day with stuff at work and other things connected to my Visa
extension going wild. There are things still in limbo. I don’t know
where I will be on February 9th as February 8th is the last day of my
Visa.  Well I will deal with February 9th on February 9th haha.

 In the evening, I went and bought some Indian food. Haha Haven’t
eaten Indian food for sometime now. Yummy it was but I may need about
two weeks of strict diet to fix the damage hehehe. Nothing much going
on other than that.

 Here is a picture of the “Masjid-Ul-Haram” mosque in Mecca, Saudi
Arabia. I don’t think this is taken during the hajj time. I love this
picture for the wonderful quality and it shows everyone in unity bowing
before God.

Now today’s poem. I wish I wrote this in one day haha no it took years
to finish but when you read the poem, the poem will look simple. To be
honest, I wrote the rough draft about 4 years ago, then, kept on
modifying the poem. Today evening I thought yeah time to finish this
dude and made little bit of modification here and there. I am terrible
with punctuations there are too many question marks, let me know if
anyone of it is in the wrong place.

To My Life.

Oh’ my life, won’t you live in unity,
With thoughts of mine that adores you?
Can’t you care about the dreams of mine?
Why you leave me perplexed and astray,
When needed most to move on?
And embed in me when in happiness I thrive,
And scatter me like scared morning doves,
Into the depth of haunting pain,
Leaving illusions and silent remorse.

Oh’ my life, you are much more than any definition,
Meaning more than all have taught me,
When with care through senses deliver,
Sights of unnatural beauty,
Sounds of all angels in prayer,
Smell of a virgin’s skin,
Touch of my own heart beat,
And taste of never ending kisses.

Oh’ my life, why you keep me away from another?
When through you to reach out I try,
Can’t you take me to the depths of life around?
And why not stop the hide and seek?
And in unity make another life worthwhile.

I don’t know how many know what kind of programming I do. I don’t think
anyone ever will be interested in the kind of programming I do also. I
am a Mainframe programmer. The old Big Irons from IBM. Right now in the
project I am doing I don’t deal with Mainframes. I write programs for
Unix based systems. These guys brought me here for my experience in
COBOL programming. The advantage of COBOL is, it is kinda
self-documenting because of the near close to English verbs and
style.  I am borrowing words of my former manager Monty Hull at
Metavante,  Milwaukee. “I dream in COBOL “ hahaha.

Now why I said it, mmmm here is a poem I wrote today. I was trying to
take note of a program piece from one program and modify it and stick
it into another. That program was huge more than 82,000 lines of code.
Whew, I said it is an ocean of COBOL code. Said that… I waited a moment
where my colleagues sitting behind were watching and I slowly changed
my hands from right to left ( when I write poems I mainly write with my
left hand, even though it is very difficult for myself to read it
afterwards, that way I am slow and steady and words just pour into my
mind ). My colleague said “Yeah, there it comes”. Yeah it came, here it
is….

Ocean Of Love.

Those blue eyes, blue like an ocean seen,
In the past journeys made,
Beneath lay treasures of values unknown,
And in depths healing unknown to mankind,
A blessing many touches everyday,
The coral reefs and magnificent currents,
All carry a message of unconditional care,
The wilderness is there as usual,
But without that-nature incomplete you will be,
As the charm of naughtiness, I enjoy a lot,
Then there is the depth where none ever ventured,
Where darkness consumes every imagination,
None knows the treasure there deep inside,
As everyone in the fear of unknown,
Went away unknowing the depths of the ocean.

Oh’ I have a ray of hope inside,
Though far away from those un-ventured depths,
Where with the light of my love I wish to swim,
Oh’ can I search for the treasure unknown,
To everyone ever known you and yourself?
And may I with the ray of love show,
You the truth lying unknown to yourself?

An ocean of love.

Strange weekend and Sunday, I thought of doing a lot but I am was and
is too calm. I was way too busy, talking with family, last night I
voice chatted online like 6 hours with my brothers in India. I think
what kept me calm was the support offered by you xangans. I love you
all. I will be back commenting. There is one reason for me not to. But
there are multiple reasons for me to comment. The main one I love
reading other peoples works especially poetic works of some of the
amazing writers I’ve met here on xanga.

I am a very sensitive person, with the memory of an Elephant. If
someone touches me deep that remain forever. Here are three people from
my past.

Unni Krishnan. He was my friend when I was in kindergarten and first
grade. We used to run around the school elusive from most of the
others. An admirer of all the stories I make up he was a wonderful
friend. I still remember when I was moving from the school after first
grade he wept holding my hands. That was last I’ve seen him even though
we lived in the same town for the next 10 years. Never got any chance
to meet him at all, after that he and his family moved out of town and
I have no idea where he is. But I remember him at least once in a week,
Thursdays, because for some reason unknown we both loved Thursdays. It
is nearly 30 years now.

Jeena. Name sounds girlish isn’t it? No a boy. I met him during the
marriage of my cousin in 1978. He is a distant relative. A wonderful
talker he told some great stories of movies at that time. For two weeks
we were together playing and talking to each other a lot. Another
person who loved my stories, he wanted to hear my stories again and
again. After the marriage function, I have never seen him. Heard about
him after years, like he getting married, having his first child and
all. There were times when I could’ve met him. But I told myself, I
don’t want to see a man who may not recognize me at all. I am still the
friend of that little boy.

Jayakumari. Two names joined together. Well that’s the way she liked
her name to be. Met her in college in 1985, here 11th and 12th grade
are in school. In my state in India till 1995 it was in college a course they
called Pre-Degree. I remember she came late the first day all wet in the
tropical monsoon rain. I’ve had two guys shadowing me in the college,
Davis son of a very wealthy man but a good cricket player. Second one
Rizwan, he knows no one touches me because of my violent habits at
school and my political connections. Everyday after lunch we won’t get
into the class, we go to a movie theater to watch English movies, that
theatre only played English movies not Indian movies. So we watch a
movie at least five times. Understanding English was the main problem
in watching the movies again and again. So as we leave in the afternoon
we told Jayakumari and another girl that we will borrow their lecture
notes every two weeks to keep up with others. The first time I asked
for the notes, Jayakumari gave me a book and said keep it. I said I
will return the book Monday, she said sure but that’s yours to keep as
I have another. She wrote a separate lecture notes for me. She did this
for the next two years. We were never romantically involved, talked
little but always smiled at each other. After Pre-Degree I moved out of
state to do the university degree and have never seen Jayakumari again.
But still thankfully remember her and that beautiful smile almost
everyday.

Now why I said these here now, because once a person touches me deep, I
will never forget that person. I said this once before, Once A Darling,
Always A Darling.

Here is a poem I wrote while watching the playoffs earlier today. I
just wrote it because I felt a bit sad; when I am really sad I try
writing about happy times. This is one attempt. Go ahead criticize it
if there is something wrong in it. I just did not give a revision or
thought into it.

Give me couple of days at least before I start commenting back. All of you don’t get pissed off and block me out. Okay.

Have a great week ahead of you. My brothers, My Sisters, My Family, My Friends And My Darling.

For
The Love Of Happiness.

The flight of Humming bird with wing beats in thousands,
To give extra life to the pretty flower,
The wind dance through the trees,
The never ending fields ready to harvest,
The crashing of the waves of ocean at sunset,
The cherry blossoms in the middle of the spring,
Brightening every eye in the ecstasy of beauty.

Oh’ they all open the soul into spontaneous laughter,
Wonderful world we live in, in my thoughts I said.
The sanctity of life ever blooming,
The sweetness of the fruits rolling in the mouth,
Cooling and filling mind and body,
The touch of beak of the pigeons,
With innocence filled eyes pecks,
From hand the little grains offered,
The marvels and wonders generations constructed,
They all stand as the monument of their happiness,
Leaving us wondered in the bit of joy the builders felt,
There are many wonderful moments we can fabricate,
The moments pleasure like the sip of honey,
Of the relentless working Humming bird.

I am no Humming bird to move on to the next flower,
I enjoy the flight of the bird and the beauty of the flower,
Played again and again in my minds eye,
Each moment in freshness enjoyed forever,
All for the happiness of love,
To keep me in cheer forever,
For the love of happiness of my love.

Hello Sam,
   The following message and a post is meant for you. I am so sorry
for the confusion if any that happened at all. Miranda, day before yesterday
called me a stalker who puts in hidden messages in my poems. Though she didn’t say
your name she told me “stop trying to talk to her” there is only one
other person involved here that’s you. I was also chatting with another person
online and she told me she was thinking that there is something going on between
you and me. Which is not true. I know that, you know that and of course your
mother know that.

Therefore as I really don’t want this to bring any problems for you and for me,
I posted a message like that in my xanga. If any of my poems or posts or
comments on your site created any suspicions in you or anyone else who know
you. Then I am at fault here. I am truly sorry and I apologize for that.

 It is sad and unfortunate for what happened. I always asked
your permission for anything I did in your site to make sure that it is clear to
you. But I might’ve crossed the line with excessive commenting on your site and
I am sorry for that too. I am not going to say good bye to you because I just
can’t.

 Riaz Ahammed.

Hello all,
    I need to do this here because of some nerdy, nutty
girl calling me a stalker who puts in hidden messages in my poems
targeting a regular visitor of my xanga. It is sad and unfortunate if
my poems and posts came out that way and I apologize to anyone who felt
so. The truth is it was not targeted at anyone in xanga or targeting
anyone at all. It was all written after a failed relationship with a
girl. If I just say “relationship” and “girl” that will confuse you big
time I know that. I did not had any contact with her for nearly three
months and she just emailed me saying that to avoid a scandal if
necessary I can reveal her name. Her name is Nevina O’Brian, I met her
in Sterling, VA. It was a good relationship to start with but even when
I was in Virginia itself it started going bad. After I moved to upstate New York, we broke up. I don’t want to give too much
of details. The one thing that I say about it is the big age difference
between me and Nevina. She is only 19 years old and even though we
thought age won’t become and issue in the beginning it eventually got
us in different roads.
 
Now the problem here is, I did comment on a specific site regularly for
almost all the post this girl made in the last four to five months.
This plus my poems kinda talking about the impossibilities and
inappropriateness of a relationship will sure create suspicion in any
mind. I am not going to tell her name here. I really wish this did not
happened at all. It did and I am really sorry for that. I love
commenting on others site, but I don’t want anyone to believe or even
think that I am crossing the line here.

So what is going to happen now? Mmmm interesting… in my nine years
online this is the first time someone called me a stalker. That is not
simple to take. So until I feel comfortable I don’t think I will
comment on any site. I know it is too harsh to everyone of the 109
subscribers I have in my site. I will be posting poems here, whether
anyone is going to comment on those poems must be for the love for it
not just for the heck of it. I may reply to your comments though I am
not sure I will do that or not for sometime.

As for the girl, I know you don’t see me in a way one of your friend
see me.  I am sorry and I truly regret if this created any
inconvenience to you in anyway. I apologize if any of my messages felt
suggestive to you or anyone you know. I really didn’t mean it.

For the time being. Good Bye.
Riaz Ahammed.



Poem Update.

I went to Best Buy to see whether my computer is fixed or not. I
saw the computer there but they only fixed the processor to fix the
heating problem. They did not fixed two of the USB ports that are
broken. Now I have to wait another 10 days to get it back.
BestBuy  is in Crossgates Mall here. So I took a walk around the
mall. I saw this place where they sell Bonsai plants. Interesting, I
was amazed to see 20 year old trees in pots. I wrote the following poem
on my PDA standing in that store.

The
Tree.

 The tree from the seed grown,
Wild in every eye,
But perfect in its own way,
The flowers and seeds and a lot of leaves,
From season to season came and gone,
But the tree still remained in all its glory.

The leaf danced to the push from the wind,
Where it dried out in the caressing sun,
Upon the tree the leaf grown,
Watered by the rain in the night,
Held on close by the tree.

The leaf lived through its course,
The freezing drops made it drowsy,
The cold air got heavier day by day,
And the tree cannot hold on to the dying child.

One more gone and in the cold the tree stood,
One more winter thrust upon by nature,
The wonderful tree under which I sit,
And wonder, am I a tree or a leaf.